Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex got me arrested cause I used to sit outside her house all day. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't, I just had her WiFi pass.........

   Clapping is just high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

   At some point a man realizes he's better off with a sane 6 or 7 than a crazy 9 or 10.

   I hate it when people ask me "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?". I mean, seriously, I do not have 2020 vision!

   My New Years resolution is to never make New Years resolutions!

   I literally have no idea what day it is...zero

   You ever wanted to post something but just didn't know what to say so you just didn't post anything

   You're so old, that when you were young, rainbows were black and white.

   Hillary is a super good person and would make a fantastic president not to mention a great piece of azz.... said no one EVER.

   True,you do sign up knowing you could die as a Seal. But,when Hillary signed up to do her job she failed and covered it up with lies

   Why regret anything, because at one time it was exactly what you wanted...

   How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?

   You don't see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don't see psychics winning the lottery every week.

   Opinions don't affect facts, but facts should affect opinions, and do, if you're rational

   Judges 19:22-30New International Version

   Did you know xanax and chicken are both gluten free?..... *This diet really isn't that difficult.

   The NFL has decided that the Washington Redskins do not have to travel to Dallas next weekend to play the Cowboys due to the fact that we already won the NFC east.

   I just found my old Boom Box. Anyone have 56 D-batteries I can borrow

   My signature move is to watch you leave with someone else and then tell my friends I wasn't interested in you anyway.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.