Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This year I failed at the resolution to not procrastinate so much and I have about 11 hours and 45 minutes to make good on the rest of my 2015 resolutions!

   Although 2016 was expected, Apple has announced the coming year will only be 2015s.

   Hey 2015... Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out, you Dirty Mother Fucker!!!

   Remember that episode on Cosby Show where Vanessa got drunk and was hung over..........I'm thinking Cosby did that

   Dear Young Girls, Never ever never ever take pills from anyone and not expect you may get wasted and get taken advantage of....... Just a little advice I learned on the Cosby Show!

   that moment when This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   This morning I had call 911 on the truck with the flashing lights in behind me that passed me....turns out it wasnt a cop on the phone, its was the dispatcher.

   If I could have Superpowers, I think it would be either the ability to fly, the ability to turn myself invisible, or the ability to understand women.

   A Google Chrome add-on that allows you to remove mentions and photos of the Kardashians from your browser

   My New Year's resolution is to announce a bunch of grandiose plans & changes I want to make for the new year, but then seamlessly slide into the same destructive patterns that have kept me suppressed in a life of mediocrity for as long as I can remember.

   I love lesbians... Only when they let me

   Whoever blew bubbles as a kid , he is back in town looking for you!

   I accidentally OD'd on Viagra. Man, that was a hard night!

   Be careful driving out there.This time of year, black ice matters.

   Finally throwing out my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt.

   Can we get back on Trump.....who cares about Bill Cosby! oh wait Trumps eating jello

   Steven Tyler's mic stand has so many scarves on it that I always thought he was just screaming at Johnny Depp and trying to strangle him.

   know what my New Year's resolution is going to be. But I'm not going to share it in case I fail so I won't be held accoutable by anyone but me.

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and digiorno, there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice as well.

   American Police Force giving ISIS a run for its money in the brutality department.