Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking non-alcoholic beer is alot like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know its wrong.

   I opened up the window, and Influenza!

   Bills are like vegetables; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look content until the next Star Wars movie comes out.

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into positive by consuming excessive amounts of chocolate.

   On January 25th 2006, Al Gore proclaimed we only had 10 years left to save the planet. Get ready for the end of the world in 23 days. Al Gore said it. It must be true.

   I was going to join the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but, I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

   I don't like Hot Pockets at all. But I imagine that people who like scalding the roof of their mouths while getting diarrhea all in the same day probably love them.

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the 4th grade.

   Not surprised with the with the new Chris Brown headline. I always new, no matter what woman he's with, that if made it to Vegas he'd hit it big.

   A woman who act like a man will get slapped like a man! Thats a standard rule..

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let's get this thing done.

   It's 2016, if you're still liking your own posts, you should take your own fist and punch your own face...

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   I like to sleep naked, so if there's any kind of emergency I immediately make it sexy...

   my new years resolution is 800 x 600

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

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