Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Chive: Stop me if you've heard this already but your new app suc...

   I’m losing my hair and I have to pee every 30 minutes but I still get pimples and can jizz in 1 minute. I’ve turned into a 40 year old teenager!!

   All these smiling Alabama football fans you would think Today is Toothless people appreciation day in Alabama

   Bill always chose someone over Hillary, so should you...

   I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector last night.The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

   What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife? A knife has a point.

   If women are never wrong, what happens if two women have a different opinion?

   What if like 30 years from now they make a movie about Leonardo DiCaprio and how he never won an Oscar, and the guy who plays Leonardo wins an Oscar for his performance?

   it just me, or does el Chapo sound like a low budget Mexican Restauraunt? Where ya wanna go eat? I duuno.. Let's try el Chapo's

   Rest In Peace Mick Jagger - Steve Harvey

   When I'm staring at you while you're talking I'm like, "What an a-sss!"

   Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat

   I was at the super market. I bought 2 dozen eggs. I only looked stupid pushing 2 baskets. I would have been really stupid If I put all my eggs in 1 basket.

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Hi, my name's Ray. I'll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.... *misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag

   FYI: The average resident in Detroit has been murdered a minimum of 6 times

   Sometimes I wish there was a rollover plan for naps I didn't take when I was a kid

   Lawyer: In fact you did give her the pill?... Cosby: Sshoobities.... Lawyer: Come again ?....Cosby: floobity dooblities..... Lawyer:.... Cosby: Zip zop wop

   @simoncholland: Favorite part of Facebook is people believing 1.3 billion divided by 300 million = 4.3 million WHEN THERE IS A CALCULATOR ON THEIR PHONE!

   Running away is not exercise.