Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job? ME: Because once they fire you they won't let you stay.

   Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

   Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

   Me: Siri, why am I alone? Siri: *opens front facing camera*

   My friend's become a dealer. Don't get the wrong idea, I mean at the casino. He says it's a good place to sell drugs.

   Whenever life knocks me down, I just roll over and gaze at the stars!

   What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?

   My favorite part of sex is right at the beginning when you lift up the tail.

   "Having too much sex can cause memory loss." I read it on page 37 in a medical journal on November, 2006 at 4:19 pm.

   People think I'm uncoordinated until they see me get out of a hammock and then they know "uncoordinated" isn't a strong enough word.

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   Welcome to passive aggressive training. None of you appear to be very bright... but I'm sure you'll do great!

   If I'm ever in a coma, promise me you'll slip pizza into my IV.

   I carry a yoga mat but it's only because I get sleepy after lunch

   Coworker asked me to lunch and I didn't have the heart to say no so I planted drugs in his desk and got him fired.

   A smile is like tight underwear, it lifts your cheeks

   When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me

   So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not "fergalicious"

   FACT: If you ever see a bear, lie down, curl in the fetal position. The bear will then lay behind you as the big spoon & ask you how your day was

   Apparently my nipples approve of the cool weather...