Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to join the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but, I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

   I don't like Hot Pockets at all. But I imagine that people who like scalding the roof of their mouths while getting diarrhea all in the same day probably love them.

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the 4th grade.

   Not surprised with the with the new Chris Brown headline. I always new, no matter what woman he's with, that if made it to Vegas he'd hit it big.

   A woman who act like a man will get slapped like a man! Thats a standard rule..

   Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let's get this thing done.

   It's 2016, if you're still liking your own posts, you should take your own fist and punch your own face...

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   I like to sleep naked, so if there's any kind of emergency I immediately make it sexy...

   my new years resolution is 800 x 600

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   Commercials: Now brought to you with limited football interruption.

   If her bra matches her panties when she takes her clothes off, then it wasn't the guy that decided to have sex.

   The owner of this bar is arguing with me that Mourinho is a better manager than Wenger. I just had to remind him that "the customer is always right Sir"

   Never give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.

   My family thinks on New Years Day that Black Eyed Peas matter....Had to remind them that ALL peas matter.

   Eat a whole pizza and people say, whoa you were hungry! Eat a whole cake and people say, dude you've got a problem!

   My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don't tell me about your rough childhood.