Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't text me after 11 pm unless you're offering me sex or bringing me food.

   If you gotta look thru someone's phone, you shouldn't be with 'em. Quit being insecure, that sh*t is unattractive.

   Winter is coming. Women about to steal your heart and your hoodie.

   If 90's R&B comes on in the bedroom, we making a baby. I don't care.

   I don't care if you catch me creeping your page. I'll like 74 of your posts in a row, what you gonna do about it.

   Kill that blower or blow that killer.... Whatever

   Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape. This is cruel and unfair.

   My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.

   I live with fear every day.....sometimes she lets me go fishing!

   Everytime Kayne is caught smiling he has to be a cheerleader at a college football game!

   Mar7hall vs BEiO They are back like 2 years ago.

   I have an appointment with a psychiatrist over some rental property I just acquired. I think I have an apartment complex.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad."

   Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?

   We just got a fax at work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

   What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts" ?

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   You know the ZZ Top song, Sharp Dressed Man? I stop singing after "every girls crazy"

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