Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was so cold today in D.C. that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets. 😂😳

   Sarcasm needs its own font

   If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I'm really just testing your resolve

   75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.

   Am I the only one that thinks the "Affluenza" Mom looks a heck of a lot like Carrot Top?

   I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

   Found some old Playboys in the attic from the 70's, maybe they shpuld have named the magazine "Hair Club for Men".

   Do you have to go to the DMV to register as a sex offender or can you do it online? Asking for 14 friends and an uncle.

   My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in two years babe

   A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth

   Counting to ten when someone makes you angry works much better if you're counting punches.

   I finally got a job at the.bakery because I kneaded the dough.

   "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.

   When I undress you with my eyes I immediately redress you with my eyes because it's January and very cold out.. and I have very considerate eyes.

   This lady called the cops on me cause she opened her closet and I handed her a blouse. And y'all wonder why chivalry is dead?

   These heated seat feels like I'm sh*t*ng my pants! Sir: This car doesn't have heated seats. Does it have napkins?

   I am asking you out for dinner and you tell me you have a boyfriend. Is he hungry too?

   It is so cold out my wife is looking forward to her next hot flash.

   I have been getting a lot of canned meat ads in my emails. Why isn't it going into my spam folder?

   I heard Steve Harvey is a presenter at the Oscars this year, maybe Leonardo Dicaprio can win one for a few minutes.