Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who's in bed with their phones ?

   I found something hard in my vegetable soup last night......It was only the wheelchair

   It's nice to see that SNL let Miss Piggy host SNL tonight

   I don’t understand why they call that place Hooters. They ought to change their name to Hardees, because sometimes I have to wait twenty minutes before I can get up to pay the bill.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey to have 6 legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   I met a farmer who genetically altered a turkey legs. I asked him how it tasted. He said he didn't know. He couldn't catch it.

   A new message will appear here in 15 minutes. If one does not, kindly re-read this note.

   If Cocoa Beach isn't made of hot chocolate, I don't wanna hear about it.

   Word has it that the virgins in paradise have had enough! They ask, "What did we do to be stuck with these filthy, smelly, violent, brain-damaged jihadists?"

   Just imagine...with one touch of a button, your 5 year old could upload all your phone's photos to iCloud.

   the water on mars tastes like alien piss

   I'm not telling my new girlfriend about my vasectomy. She really wants to have a baby.

   you should make a barbecue of a rude guest.

   Never take acid with a squirell named... Hey squirell dude, what's your name? Phil? Never take acid with a squirell named Phil.

   My friends vasectomy did not keep his wife from getting pregnant apparently it just changed the color of the baby...

   If you piss your girl off, she'll tell you Goodnight at 2pm.

   Gotta grab your girls booty in public to let other guys know you bout that life.

   If you can't sleep, call your ex and harass them. They don't deserve to sleep either.

   Nobody talks on the phone anymore. If I like you, I'd rather hear your voice. Texting has made sh*t less intimate.

   Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.