Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."

   Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.

   When you take away the purchasing power away from the hands of the majority and put it in the hands of the few, you have a housing crisis. By that I mean not enough palaces.

   I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?

   Gas is so cheap now that Porter Ranch is giving it away!

   Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals. We'd be planting so many trees we'd probably save the planet. Too bad they only give off oxygen we need to breathe.

   I was meditating this morning... ok actually I was sitting on my bed and starring 20 minutes at the wall... but it still counts

   Some chics place a flower in their hair like they're paying tributes to their dead brain.

   Donald Trump really owes Sarah Palin, because he would never be a Presidential contender today if she had not so effectively lowered the bar in 2008.

   Sarah Palin should also blame Obama for her daughter getting pregnant *sarcasm * Well her daughter is harder to pull out of than Iraq.

   Sarah Palin's son beats woman and yet she blames it on Obama? Haha, she should have raised a gentleman instead of a thug!

   How would you know an albino polar bear if you saw one? (And don't say its eyes would be red. You wouldn't be able to get that close).

   I also refuse to turn the beat around........

   "That's not what I meant".................... *men

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

   it, "kindergarden" or "kindergarten"?... I'm just wondering what grade level I need to start all over from.

   Girls who cut your shorts so that your pockets show. Why not just cut off the pockets? What are you hiding? Snacks? Tell me it's snacks.

   The steady fall of oil prices and subsequent decline of the Canadian dollar motivated me to diversify my investment portfolio from empties to Lotto Max.

   Watching this Sarah Palin Rally for Trump:....Did this chick use the words 'Bequested' and 'Pusssyfooting' as verbs??? OMG...SNL rating is going to go thru the roof!!! ....

   look, tom hanks with his whole family!!! #hanksalot