Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"
←Rate | 01-27-2016 23:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 23:28 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?
←Rate | 01-27-2016 22:45 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 19:13 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 19:06 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong
←Rate | 01-27-2016 18:57 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]
←Rate | 01-27-2016 18:39 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy
←Rate | 01-27-2016 18:35 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?
←Rate | 01-27-2016 18:33 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 13:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 13:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 12:58 by Bill Comments (0)  


   messageicon *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?
←Rate | 01-27-2016 12:32 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 12:26 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .
←Rate | 01-27-2016 06:51 by JAB Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 01:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.
←Rate | 01-27-2016 01:16 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce
←Rate | 01-27-2016 01:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
←Rate | 01-27-2016 01:09 by Czovczov Comments (0)  




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