Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1417 of 6446

Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"
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01-27-2016 23:30
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How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
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01-27-2016 23:28
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Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?
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01-27-2016 22:45 by snotty
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I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.
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01-27-2016 19:30
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If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.
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01-27-2016 19:13 by snotty
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*At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.
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01-27-2016 19:06 by snotty
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[wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong
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01-27-2016 18:57 by snotty
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WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]
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01-27-2016 18:39 by snotty
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Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy
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01-27-2016 18:35 by snotty
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How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?
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01-27-2016 18:33 by snotty
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My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.
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01-27-2016 13:21
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I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.
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01-27-2016 13:01
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Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.
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01-27-2016 12:58 by Bill
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*horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?
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01-27-2016 12:32 by snotty
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finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
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01-27-2016 12:26 by snotty
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Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .
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01-27-2016 06:51 by JAB
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If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.
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01-27-2016 01:42
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We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.
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01-27-2016 01:16
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Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce
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01-27-2016 01:13
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“We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids
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01-27-2016 01:09 by Czovczov
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