Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "To YOU I'm an atheist; to G0d, I'm the Loyal Opposition." ― Woody Allen

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

   Accidentally went to the bar and kidnapped someone again.

   Candy Crush just sold for $6 billion in case anyone is looking for a reason to join ISIS

   I'm gonna sell everything and buy and van and go live down by the river !

   If you try to pronounce "lmao" you sound like a French cat.

   Some people have a super power of fcuking up your hopes and dreams while smiling at you.

   Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald's find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

   Just saw someone in Wall mart with a Bluetooth, it was his only tooth

   When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?

   I figured out Victoria's Secret. She's hungry.

   Well another day has passed, and I haven’t used algebra once.

   If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.

   what does having kids and having tattoo have in common? ever idiot thinks they are special for having one

   You can tell a lot about someone by the way they don't apologize.

   At what age do we start saying Congratulations instead of "OH CRAP" when someone says they are pregnant ?

   My safeword is Pineapple

   My personalities entertain me more than any group of friends could .

   This No-Shave November is just a guy thing right? I'm not a big fan of surprises.

   I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.