Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Horse walks into a bar. Barkeep says "Hey. Why the long face?"

   How do you know when your GF is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.

   Polly wolly doodle all the day?.. In this economy?

   I failed my employee drug test today because of the drugs I have to take to tolerate my coworkers. FML.

   If you are a famous musician and you are over 60,,, please be careful in 2016.

   *At Olive Garden*... Waiter: Parmesan cheese, sir?.. Me: I'll tell you when to stop... Waiter:..... Me..... Waiter:..... Me:..... Waiter: Sir *crying* my arm... Me: I'll tell you when.

   [wakes up from a 20 year coma]. Sweet,,, X-Files still goin strong

   WIFE: Are you even listening to me?... ME: Of course... WIFE: Oh yeah, what did I say?... ME: [smoke bomb]... WIFE: I can still see you... ME: [Another smoke bomb]

   Steps to survive on a dessert island... 1. check spelling... 2. if correct, enjoy

   How about a horror movie where if you close your eyes for even a second,, your wife steals another one of your dresser drawers?

   My kid took his coffee in the shower with him so there's really no need for a DNA test. He's mine.

   I'm not always sarcastic. Sometimes I am just drunk.

   Sometimes, to retain moisture, I'll brine whatever I'm smoking or grilling. I've found the best brine is made from the tears of 1000 vegans.

   *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into a bar... *horse walks into an optometrist...Horse: Will SOMEONE please help me?

   finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.

   Does anyone know if oral $ex is Gluten free. Asking for a friend. . .

   If you see a grown man swinging in a playground by himself you know you're about to die.

   We always want what we can't have. In my case, it's silence.

   Once I run out of the reasons to argue that's when I'll divorce

   “We don't lick people!” - Lies adults tell kids