Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grindr had a worldwide outage this weekend, is it too late to stock up on apocalypse survival supplies?

   Doctors be like "I know you're depressed so here is some medicine that causes suicidal thoughts."

   They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog getting ready to vomit. Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster than that.

   [job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by noon...

   My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

   When I die,, please set my smart car free in a Whole Foods parking lot

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

   (Infomercial for toilets) *a man is walking around his house picking up turds... "There's got to be a better way??"

   Oh,, and BTW... I would be the worst pharmacist ever. One for you.. One for me... One for you... Two for me... None for you... The rest for me...

   Attention Walmart Shoppers ------- There is someone dressed appropriately in aisle 8

   I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   It's not a real trip to the grocery store until I run into someone I know, say goodbye to them, and run into them in the very next aisle.

   To all you virgins.....Thanks for nothing!

   I wanted to touch you, taste your sweetness with soft aromas beckoning me - it was just the beginning of our tragic love story. *pastries

   The Farmer's Almanac predicts a mild winter, a dry summer, and no sex for me until at least 2026.

   I am not going bald on the crown of my head, it's an alien crop circle.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."

   Why do so many Americans hate people from the middle east, yet build churches to worship someone from the middle east? How stupid is that.