Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   CAN I JUST GET A DAMM CUP OF COFFEE?

   OK WHERE CAN I EAT AT AND NOT PISS EVERYBODY OFF?

   Yep, no one will notice you're fat if you use a dog or little kids for a profile pic.

   I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.

   Shut up about the red cup and drink your fkn coffee. #StarbucksRedCup

   When you order your coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is "Merry Christmas"

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   I love my women like I love my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.

   When you text me and ask me what I'm doing and I tell you "nothing", that isn't an open invitation for you to suggest things for me to do. I already have plans. I'm doing NOTHING!!

   Any room is a panic room if you've lost your phone in it.

   My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her $300 Coach purse.

   man merely a mistake of G0d's? Or G0d merely a mistake of man?

   Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.

   Why I love Asia: I wanted a hooker. Called service. Said I didn't know what I wanted. They sent a van with 10 girls and let me choose.

   No skirt girl just left. She asked if she could wear my shirt home since it was longer than her dress. One less shirt to pack.

   If anything should offend you about Starbucks, it's the price of their coffee.

   Happy B-day United States Marine Corps 240 years of Bad Assery