Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   Word of the Day: Ammosexual - A Liberal who believes in the Second Amendment

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.

   I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   If you're cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?

   You couldn't handle me, even if I came with instructions.

   I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.

   I have to be successful because I have very expensive taste.

   Sometimes I prefer to use my face for emoticons.

   When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.

   A midget fortuneteller broke out of the county jail. Police report there is a small medium at large.

   My son got a Student of the Month award today. It wasn't his, but still...

   Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club

   Dear justin beiber haters Please respect him.. I owe my life to him last year I was in a coma for 4 months due to a terrible car accident.. One day my nurse turned on the radio to Justin's song...I got up and turned off the radio

   Hillary Clinton announced she has joined Instagram to help with her campain ..... . Meanwhile .... Bernie Sanders joined telegram.

   Bernie Sanders said recently that he loves taking selfies. Well ... once he figures out how to take them on his rotary phone that is.