Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A man climbed into a bus and the driver asked"where are you going to" the man replied "to the back seat"

   If money was grown on trees, women would be dating monkeys

   As a man I am so thankful I don't have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.

   I hate the word friendzone! "Especially when I'm out with a woman who tells me that she loves me like a brother!......Unless she's from Alabama or West Kentucky of course.

   pɹɐʍʞɐ sᴉ sᴉɥ┴

   Out on the highway, getting passed by a Prius is the football equivalent of getting tackled by the kicker.

   Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen

   In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving

   What if stupidity was passed on in the womb and it had something to do with the am idiotic fluid.

   Vladimir Putin Is going to have Turkey for Thanksgiving for sure

   I went to Google today.... Are the Obamas going on vacation again?

   Anyone know how I can become an illegal alien? They've got some really good benefits.

   A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.

   When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

   So if tears are just weakness leaving your body, what's diarrhea?

   Adele's new album should come with a coupon for Ben & Jerry's.

   ever have a large lunch and go up a cup size?

   Went to the gym this morning and was amazed by this one chicks extreme workout . She must of done at least 5- 6 reps of selfies .

   I went to the pub last night, had a shot and saw this really fat chick dancing on the table. I said to her "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

   Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.