Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Babies: You have hidden your face and then made it appear again....this pleases me.

   My romantic life is like a Ferrari....I don't have a Ferrari.

   Bears: If people can read my thoughts, most people would think I'm the most evil person on this planet.

   The bathroom stall at any university has a bigger sense of brotherhood than any fraternity on campus. Our butt cheeks have touched the same surface, we are brothers. We are one.

   Pen Clicking: When I do it, it's fun....when you do it, it's the most annoying thing on the face of the Earth.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive many times and hoping they are more brave than I am.

   it just me or you don't really realize how drunk you are until you are in a bathroom alone?

   Shoutout to ATM fees for making me buy my own money

   Women and Cats: I've never understood why women love cats. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

   Please Take Note: A Hogwarts degree isn't worth much in 2016.

   Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?

   What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.

   When writing the story of your life don't let everyone hold your pen...

   I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   I find it ironic that Valentines Day is abbreviated as VD

   Sad News to Report: The inventor of throat lozenges has died.... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

   If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 7 for $1 only

   Cleaning with dogs in your house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

   Remember it didn't start with gas chambers, it started with politicians dividing the people with "us vs. them". It started with intolerance & hate speech and when people stopped caring, became desensitized and turned a blind eye. This is America in 2016.

   This might be the worst online counseling site ever.