Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do I have a date for Valentine's day? Yes, It's February 14th!

   My morning routine includes 20 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.

   Hillary's campaign manager: "Try being less of a c*nt..."

   Kill Whitey - Beyonce probably

   I don't feel like doing anything today and I hope I can muster enough energy to do that.

   If I know one thing, I certainly don't know what it is.

   Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...

   But seriously, how do I get one million dollars and a flat stomach by tomorrow?

   I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married....

   Some days, I can conquer the world. Other days, it takes me three hours to convince myself to shower.

   The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1:00 pm and 2017.

   I got so high once that I had to turn down the tv because I couldn't taste my grilled cheese.

   Whenever I go running, I meet exciting new people....like paramedics.

   Drink until the bottle is emptier than you.

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts.

   What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by it's root and still be scared of spiders. --Jerry Seinfeld

   Customer Service: Upgrading your service? I can help you with that right away. Cancelling service? Let me transfer you to the department with a 70 minute wait time.

   Pro Tip: Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

   Valentines Day can only lead to nasty things such as herpes, gonorrhea, and something called relationships.

   I don't always sing along to my favorite songs. But when I do, I sing along to the guitar solo as well.