Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.

   Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.... There's Circular pizzas, square pizzas, thin/thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings...... All beautiful really

   Sweat pants are only ok for 2 reasons. Thanksgiving and strip clubs

   My girl friend says she may move out because of my obsession with TV dramas. But will she really leave me......Find out next week!

   ...... Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

   So what all y'all vegans eating for Thanksgiving?

   Poverty is not being able to participate in Black Friday because you don't get paid until Monday.

   Always be yourself. Unless you can be Bat Cat... Always be Bat Cat.

   Enough with all the religious posts. You're just fighting over who has the better imaginary friend.

   For Thanksgiving, I'm going to a sheep and goat buffet. It's All You Can Bleat.

   Some people should keep their Quran and their bibles like they keep their genitals: to themselves.

   Gray Matter Matters

   DONALD TRUMP proving that you don't need to be poor to be white trash.

   Will World War III begin before or after Christmas? Because I don't want to buy presents for nothing.

   *wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

   On another note, some of the single Syrian women aren't bad looking ;)

   My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

   My shower breakdown: 60% getting the water temp right,, 39% coming up with awesome responses to fights with my wife,,, 1% showering

   I feel like there should be more breakfast beers on the market.

   My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.