jake Funny Status Messages

   Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.

   My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.

   I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.

   My dog keeps chewing on my sofa and two arm chairs. I think he may have a suite tooth.

   My fat friend has been hangging out at the gym. I told him that he needs to get some bigger shorts.

   Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage? Because they are tired of using their own.

   AA meetings would be less boring if you could drink at them.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   I married a nymphomaniac. Now after 5 years of marriage, the nympho is gone. And I'm left with the maniac.

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   A plumber's job can draining.

   Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare.

   I'm so old, that I stopped buying green bananas.

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   My memaw suffers from furniture disease. Her chest has fallen into her drawers.

   Last night on the TV I saw a blurry dark image of an old fat man holding his willie. Then I realised the TV was turn off.

   Went to walmart and ask the woman's department attendant if they had maternity dresses. She said yes, what bust? I said the condom.