Baddie Funny Status Messages

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   The worst thing about spanking a kid in Wal-Mart is that I have no idea who's kid this is.

   Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

   I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

   Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.