Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary Clinton made barking noices during yesterday's rally. I bet she is trying to get the dog vote now.

   "Best thing about prison, man, was crochet. I loved crochet" -- Man overheard on bus

   Welcome. Hi Americans! Donald Trump may become President of your country! If that happens, and you decide to get the hell out of there, may I suggest you moving to Cape Breton Island, Canada!

   Dance like its back in 1999 when no one had a camera phone.

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry black man asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   The two best days of my life was when I got engaged and the day we broke it off. . .

   The smartest thing I never did, was get married. . .

   I don't know about these Capital One commercials with Samuel L. Jackson. There's something about an angry bl@k m@n asking "What's in your wallet?" that scares me.

   You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

   Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?

   The two best days of my life: The day I got married and the day my divorce was final.

   A shout out to hotel maids who have to change the sheets on February 15th.

   I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.

   Here's to our wives and sweethearts.... and may they never meet.

   Never fry bacon while naked.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   A new U.S. political television ad from Marco Rubio touts 'Morning in America,' but the opening skyline is unmistakably Vancouver, Canada.

   The reason good men are hard to find is because they're usually too busy working.

   I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic....I'm spiritual.

   Thanks for being the kind of friend who will laugh during the eulogy at my funeral because you knew the real story.