Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.

   Sorry kids, you're definitely not getting any inheritance. All that money went towards the booze I needed to put up with you.

   I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

   Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   ....Smiling at someone that hates you because you're an a$$hole like that.

   Most college girls join a sorority....few earn the title of a US Marine.

   I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   I typed hahahahahaha,,, and it got autocorrected to hahaha and I was like,, "yeah, you're probably right"

   When someone is near the edge I like to push them over so they can begin their recovery earlier

   4: Mommy, where do babies come from?..... Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much...

   Looks at growing laundry piles *Deep sigh... Kids , we're nudists now

   I just had a small salad with a side of carrots for lunch and now I know why women are so horrible to each other.

   Apparently,,,, The first rule of Fight Club is to get caught looking at another woman.