Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic.

   Friend, Best Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Garlic Bread -- Only garlic bread has no "END". Garlic Bread will always stay by your side.

   Even God thinks Kanye West is an a$$hole.

   Pornhub should promise to plant a tree for every 100 videos watched....

   What?!?! When you miss someone's call but you call them back in 0.44735624 seconds and they don't answer.

   I wonder what hamsters would type on a keyboard: Free me from this prison that is my life.

   Times co-worker has mentioned she's a vegan today: 6. Times I've asked: 0.

   Reasons I check my voicemail... 1% to hear the message... 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

   The last four letters in "American" are "I can." The last four letters in "Republican" are "I can." The last four letters in "Democrats" are "rats."

   I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.

   If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.

   What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.

   Shout out to all the older siblings....who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff that they would have been killed for.

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

   Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.