Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The dumbing down of the human species. We are going backwards in intellect with every new social media app.

   FYI: When you graduate from vegetarian to vegan you are legally required to put a racing stripe on your Prius

   God didn’t make all men equal, Samuel Colt did.

   Squirrel 1: Got directions to across the road?.. Squirrel 2: go left, straight, left, right, right again,back, then just friggin run.... Squirrel 1: nice

   Cop: buzz driving IS drunk driving... Swarm of bees in driver seat: this is bullcrap.

   My day starts just like any normal guy. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.

   My son just saw Willie Nelson on TV and called him Santa... Hmmm I guess we need to watch more Christmas movies.

   Hip-hop sounds like my grandpa named it.

   'Saint West' sounds like the name of the Patron Saint of big butts & narcissistic rappers.

   Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.

   why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the 1st place?

   I'm surprised that cartons of Soy Milk don't have pictures of missing vegan children on the back.

   Men look at b00bs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.

   Depression is like being told happiness is right around the corner but you live in a circle

   Well about time I get in line for that Star Wars movie

   "I feel terrible today. Let me go find a man to blame." - WOMEN

   If action movies have taught me anything, its that when you defeat your enemy, don’t leave them half dead as they are guaranteed to rise again and strike you when you least expect it. Instead totally obliterate them into oblivion like they never even ex

   Chipotle diet plan... Eat a 1300 calorie burrito... get E.Coli... crap and puke out 1600 calories!

   There's a million fish in the sea,,, but I haven't lowered my standards just yet to date fish.

   Screenshot me, I dare you. I'll climb through your window and smash your phone so quick.