Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village.... Hi,, I'm Sarah McLachlan

   Selfie sticks are this generation's fanny packs...

   Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I'm spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.

   I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain... Me: [can't think of a good comeback because it's not my turn to use the brain]

   If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is.

   [At the Border] Officer: “You American?”... Me: “Deep”... *Officer squints*... Me: “Fried”... *squints harder*... Me: “Guns”... "Welcome back, Sir."

   "Be careful when you follow the Masses. Sometimes the 'M' is silent."

   You know the economy is bad when even the wages of sin are frozen.

   Romance tip: When you are lying in bed with your wife and she asks "What you would like to do with my body more than anything else?", "Identify it." is probably not a good answer.

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.

   You Know You've Had Too Much Coffee When Juan Valdez named his donkey after you

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven...does God hide behind the pearly gates and pretend he's not in?

   borrowed my wife's razor, it had a sensitive strip. Now I can't stop crying!!

   I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   I'm not an alcoholic. I am just a freelance quality control assurance man, for the beer industry...

   The French think we Americans are fat. They may be right, but obviously our dental plans are better.

   Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....

   The greatest feeling in the world is when your girlfriend tells you, you're better in bed than her husband. . .

   No Romney, we haven't forgotten about what you did to all those businesses with Bain Capital or your "binders full of women."