Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's Thursday and I don't need any inspirational messages to start my day, just spike my coffee and shut the f*ck up.

   As I admired my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I'm going to get kicked out of this Home Depot any minute now."

   Just read that serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer's house is for sale and no one is interested. I get it though, no one wants to live in Ohio.

   Pro Tip: You're not truly a parent until you've given your child the middle finger behind their back while mouthing, "F*ck you!"

   Don't forget this one thing folks, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth. The last time this happened was last night.

   There's always a guy in all coffee shops sitting at a table, not on his iPhone, not on a laptop, not even on an iPad, he's just drinking coffee, like a psychopathic murderer. Don't forget to say "Hi" y'all!!!

   Cinnamon flavored whiskey...is that what the junior high girls are drinking these days?

   Fuller House is a wonderful show, let's hope Netflix comes out with another one called Married With Grandchildren.

   I'm so old...I remember when vodka only came in vodka flavor!

   Question -- Should we either Heil Trump or burn crosses wearing white sheets in honor of Trump? Looking for a fun Thursday night activity.

   "PROVE IT!!" I yell from the back of the church.

   So don't come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don't come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?

   It started out innocent enough. - Whiskey

   Donald Trump's first name is Rafael Trump. Let that sink in.

   Some people seem to like Trump. Others like Hillary, or Bernie. Just be happy you live somewhere that you have a choice, just don't waste it...

   All these fools comparing Trump to Hitler. Trump never had people killed... Hillary Clinton did.

   I can't wait till St.Patricks Day....!!! The one day a year I can eat lucky charms dowsed in green beer for breakfast and my wife can't say crap.....

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

   Folks, if your feet look like you've been playing soccer with a pineapple, do not wear flip-flops out in public.

   As a parting gift, Trump should give all Americans moving to Canada a bottle of Trump vodka.