Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.

   My New Years resolution is to try and put less than 5 chapsticks through the washer & dryer next year.

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   The police.... The only people who ever wanted me for who I really am.

   Joe exotic was going to do a Christmas song, But he hates carols

   iuyyuiyuyuyuyuyu8yuyuyuy yyuyuy ggggggaaaaaffffffsasaasdsyr

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I'm gonna surprise my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   If you want to know How many people you can spray down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.The answer is 18

   Call me old fashion, but I'm glad my mom was a woman.

   I'm sitting here wrapping Christmas presents with one hand. If any of you find a Band-aid in your gift, don't touch it.. I'm still waiting on the test results.

   Don't regret past mistakes. Your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. (Disregard this post if in prison)

   If I’ve learned anything from the Kardashians it’s that I shouldn’t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.

   Warning! If you get a link that says "Justin Barber sings Christmas carols" Don't open it! It's Justin Barber singing Christmas carols.

   Do I need to watch the first two seasons of COVID to understand Season 3?

   Santa put down the pen! I can explain everything!

   Bring funny back

   Just got back from a Rocky Mountain Oyster Fest in Colorado. It was Nuts!

   It's my birthday! I'm finally at that age where I can switch from health food to preservatives.

   No matter how old you may be, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a fun thing to use to bonk someone over the head with.