Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just picked out a Valentines Card from the Bill Cosby collection. It came with a roofy, two Advil for the day after, and a do-it-yourself police report........

   I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.

   So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

   Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.

   Ha!.. More like social needia, if you ask me....... ....Please go ahead and ask me

   I've decided not to workout today. Instead I'll be working on my ABS of beer.

   GoPro’s stock dropped 23.34 percent to 10.87 Wednesday afternoon after the company announced its Q4 was worse than expected. The good new is the CEO caught this eloquent downward spiral on video for all stock holders to enjoy.........

   I THINK 50 shades of grey is our weather forecast!!!!

   Let me stop you right there. You just made me think of a status.

   My boyfriend just brought me flowers.. By boyfriend, I mean dog. By flowers, I mean tennis ball.

   In the 80's America won the cold war and the wall came down, now a guy with 80's hair thinks building a wall will make America great again.

   Sex is only 15% of a relationship unless you're not having it. Then its 0%.

   Why do people refuse to vote in elections because they say their one vote won't matter, but will gladly spend money tons of money buying Powerball tickets despite virtually no chance of winning?

   I drank so much Vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.

   What's the age cutoff for bringing chicken nuggets to dinner because you don't like the food?

   Sex and Coffee. What more is there?

   For those of you who consider yourselves to be workaholics, I feel for you. I, too, know what it is like as I struggled for many years while hopelessly addicted to workahol.

   its all fun & games til you see a picture of what you looked like in 6th grade!

   154 U.S. Walmarts are going to close, reducing their total number of open checkout lanes by 6.

   Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).