Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love Ellen. I'm gonna marry her idk how but I'm gonna make it happen.

   ( last meal on death row ) "Parmigian cheese?" . . . *I nod. . . "Say when". . . * I wink at camera. . .

   If Caitlyn Jenner can win woman of the year I see no reason why Donald Trump's hair can't win the Westminister Kennel Club Dog Show.

   *calls up Domino's. . . WHY WOULD YOU CUT MY PIZZA SO UNEVENLY? . . YOU'RE TEARING MY FAMILY APART !

   This is your captain speaking,,, Please fasten your seat belts,,, The Boeing 737 in the gate beside us looks like it wants to race.

   The Dog Whisperer has been whispering death threats into my dog's ear

   Hmmm, I really would like to see some of you get punched in the nose at a Trump ralley

   Can we vote Justin Trudeau as President of the United States?? He's more of a celebrity than Trump is.

   Robert Kardashian was OJ Simpson's lawyer....thus began the family tradition of getting black men off.

   After I have sex with a cucumber my walk of shame is to the kitchen to rinse it off and put it back in the fridge.

   Let's play the unicorn game where I rub your magical horn until you shower me with glitter.

   ...... Liberals are obviously Latinophobes .... Ever notice how Liberal/Progressives say they are moving to Canada if Trump gets elected and never Mexico?

   President Lyndon B. Johnson owned an amphibious car and would scare his guests by driving into a lake, screaming about brake failure. Those are the same people who don't like Obama.

   "Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them....

   For all those guys wearing skinny jeans....I believe you took the phrase "getting into her pants" the wrong way.

   Trump: I love making people who already hate me hate me more.

   If your friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really true Trump supporters.

   If you're friends aren't making fun of you, they aren't really Trump supporters.

   Stop knocking on my door wanting to talk about the Lord and I will stop coming to your door wanting to talk about alcohol, weed and freaky sex.

   Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.