Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well.. I was going to vote for a candidate but I saw a meme on Facebook,,, so now I'm going to vote for another candidate

   Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.

   So, how is everybody enjoying the air guitars I sent them for Christmas?

   So do caterpillars know that they're going to become butterflies or do they just start building a cocoon and be like "WTF am I doing?"

   BOOP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   If you can't remember my name, just say 'donuts'.... I'll turn around and look.

   The pottery scene from Ghost, but with a gyro meat spit.

   1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

   Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a Smoothie.

   Coffee so black,, it's boycotting the Oscars.

   I was meditating this morning....ok, actually I was sitting on the toilet scrolling through Facebook on my phone...but, it still counts.

   I want to share something with each and every one of you..... Your money.

   A car pulled over. The driver anxiously asked me: "What is the shortest way to South Miami hospital." I said: " Close your eyes and keep driving."

   Here's a TIP: Never ask a woman what's wrong and never not ask her either.

   When you take away the purchasing power away from the hands of the majority and put it in the hands of the few, you have a housing crisis. By that I mean not enough palaces.

   I heard on the radio a statistic that said that one out of three women in miami is pretty. I looked to the right...wow...I looked to the left...wow...I hit the car in front of me and a woman came out...wow.. Who the hell is collecting data?

   Gas is so cheap now that Porter Ranch is giving it away!

   Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals. We'd be planting so many trees we'd probably save the planet. Too bad they only give off oxygen we need to breathe.

   I was meditating this morning... ok actually I was sitting on my bed and starring 20 minutes at the wall... but it still counts

   Some chics place a flower in their hair like they're paying tributes to their dead brain.