Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Springing forward sounds way more fun than it is.

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because I pretty much just burnt down my whole house...

   I've never seen anyone vaping in a car that didn't have at least three dents in it.

   Life gave me onions. Onionade sucks.

   No babe, don't send me the nude pictures. Send me a picture of your medicine cabinet. I'd like to know what kind of psycho I'm dealing with...

   Bikinis expose 90% of a woman's body, but men are so decent, polite and well-mannered that we only look at the remaining 10% that is covered..

   Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. It did not have Bluetooth, you could not take selfies on it or send any text messages... Even worse! When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive!

   One of my many talents is pretending to be very interesting in your plans when actually I am constantly thinking about my bed.

   My all time favorite coworker is the coffee machine.

   Let's face the truth all three year olds are walking, talking middle fingers.

   The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don't.

   To this day, it's still a mystery where exactly the four-leaf clover gene is actually located – and how it really works. But clover-shaped marshmallows in Lucky Charms cereal are still magically delicious.

   How To Baby Proof Your House: Condoms are super-duper effective and highly recommended.

   I need a career change, perhaps I should be a Pornographic Historian.

   Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.

   Yay today is Pay Day!!! Although I really enjoyed eating ice soup for the past few days.

   Inspirational Quote For Today: You cannot make everyone happy, you're not a pizza.

   Parking spaces for turtles these days, give me a break.

   Just got carded at the liquor store. Set my keys down to get my ID and the guys says "Never mind, that Blockbuster card is good enough for me".