Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to be f#cking stupid, but her and I broke up about 10 years ago. . .

   FYI,,, Bobcat is just short for Robertcat. ...*Science.

   My birthstone is just a frozen pizza.

   I'll bet the same guy that named the fireplace named Newfoundland.

   The definition of Vegetarian is an Indian word for bad hunter. . .

   wait till they get a load of me.. or is that from me.. I can never get that line right

   You can stick your marshmallow world and stick it up your marshmallow ass.

   I Swear This Is The Last Time I Watch Groundhog Day

   I've dated a vegan and a vegetarian, and please believe me, they do put meat in their mouth...

   The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don't know who to listen to anymore

   Where I come from, Decaffeinated means a cow who just had a calf.

   I tried cumming in the air tonight, and all I did was make a huge mess, F**k you Phil Colins !

   Somtimes I get the feeling that maybe the love of my life got stuck up in a Condom

   i know have a epipen, my friend gave it to me as he was dying... It seemed very important to him that I have it

   Maybe Jada Pinkett Smith should receive an Oscar for acting like an idiot.

   Where are the socialist snowplows at?

   I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we have live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.

   being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!

   Jada Pinkett-Smith should picket Donald Trump and Sarah Palin for being too white.

   wondering if Sarah Palin can still see Russia from her house.