Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.

   I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.

   Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.

   I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.

   Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.

   Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.

   The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.

   The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account.

   Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.

   I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb

   It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.

   I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.

   There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.

   I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.

   Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!

   Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....

   If you're going to rattle my cage, you best make sure I'm padlocked in it.

   Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged.

   My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.

   What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.