Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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Page: 1339 of 6446

   messageicon Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:34 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Interesting Fact: I only order meals in restaurants and fast food places solely based on what'll look best on Instagram since 2012.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:10 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 16:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb
←Rate | 04-08-2016 10:10 by bOb Comments (0)  


   messageicon It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 09:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 07:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 06:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.
←Rate | 04-08-2016 06:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!
←Rate | 04-08-2016 06:54 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....
←Rate | 04-08-2016 06:52 Comments (0)  




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