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Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.
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04-08-2016 16:34
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Interesting Fact: I only order meals in restaurants and fast food places solely based on what'll look best on Instagram since 2012.
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04-08-2016 16:29
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Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.
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04-08-2016 16:25
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I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.
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04-08-2016 16:24
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Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.
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04-08-2016 16:22
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I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.
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04-08-2016 16:20
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Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.
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04-08-2016 16:17
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I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.
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04-08-2016 16:14
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Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.
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04-08-2016 16:12
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Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.
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04-08-2016 16:10
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The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
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04-08-2016 16:07
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The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account.
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04-08-2016 16:05
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Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.
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04-08-2016 16:03
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I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb
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04-08-2016 10:10 by
bOb
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It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.
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04-08-2016 09:45
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I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
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04-08-2016 07:01
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There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.
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04-08-2016 06:58
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I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.
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04-08-2016 06:57
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Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!
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04-08-2016 06:54
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Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....
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04-08-2016 06:52
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