Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.

   Never purchase the trial size version of Colgate toothpaste and leave it on the bathroom counter next to your CVS Hemorroidal Cooling Gel. You may feel refreshed down below, but your breath smells like sh*t.

   It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.

   When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.

   I tried making some rabbit stew this past weekend, but my wife complained that there was a hare in it.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.

   the S or the C silent in the word scent?

   Hey boys and girls, If Bernie Sanders is a "Conscientious Objector" to all wars ...... How Could He , In a SANE WORLD, Possibly Become the COMMANDER IN CHIEF of the military?

   Am I the only person wondering why Bernie Sanders never joined the military to someday be a colonel?

   I drink alcohol because my shrink says I shouldn't keep things bottled up.

   According to the Americans with Disabilities Act, Led Zeppelin has to build a ramp of a width of 36 inches next to their Stairway to Heaven

   .... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want

   Kidney stones, Hemorrhoids, Syphilis, or President...None I want to feel the Burn

   My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."