Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stairway to Heaven? I'm not going anywhere that is high and doesn't have an elevator.

   so I heard last night that women are misdiagnosed more often than men. what they didn't mention was that men are usually misterdiagnoised more often than women

   Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.

   Well,, The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

   If you watch Jaws Backwards it's really about a shark that keeps throwing people up until they finally open up a beach!

   Confucius say, "Woman who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

   Ladies, if you want free birth control, try wearing a Nancy Pelosi mask when having sex.

   The NC laws prevents male pervs from prying on women in the ladies room. Nothing to do with gay rights.

   For those that don't know, I'm getting married on May 7th. Since it's short notice don't worry about bringing wedding gifts, just bring someone for me to marry. Thanks

   How are we to believe science actually knows anything when they can't decide whether eggs are good or bad for you, or if Pluto is a planet or not?

   Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

   Always remember that you are unique, just like everybody else at the Trump rally.

   Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   Never miss a good chance to shut up.

   A journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

   I couldn’t be on “Deadliest Catch,” because I get seasick in my hot tub.

   If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you're on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.