Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 4/20, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Snoop Dogg!

   My neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats all good and well but I still have a bigger deck...

   Some @$$ hole licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? asking for a friend

   If Hillary wins the POTUS, we'll all know what it's like to have a yeast infection because we will be dealing with an irritating c@%t every day.

   It's 420 eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies for snoop dogg.

   WOW,,,, my nana REALLY can't take a punch anymore

   Little Known Fact: The Golden Girls was originally titled Depends on Friends

   Cruz chooses Billy Graham as VP, even though he might not be alive.

   Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."

   If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

   What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre.

   Happy Stoners Eve

   Daughter: "Mom, you are in my personal space." Mom: "You came out of my personal space."

   And if Hillary wins the election it won't be the first time in history that a criminal moves into public housing vacated by a black family.

   I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   Based on the white smoke pouring out from under the hood of my car, it elected itself as the new pope.

   Forgive me if I unfollow you...God only gave me so many brain cells, and I'm not about to lose them over these retarded posts you put on Facebook everyday.

   The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.