Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Help I don't know what to do I just learn my Bathroom is used by Males and Females so guess its a Transgender Bathroom. Do I boycott it?

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   A picture only captures a millisecond of a life. So at the end of the day, don't judge a person by their pics.

   Anybody have the over/under on the number of bathroom door labels that will be available at the Democratic National Convention?

   No matter how good looking she is, somewhere a man is tired of her crap... Jayz

   Bat : $300. Killer Sunglasses: $200. Batting Gloves: $30. Getting called out on strikes in slow pitch softball: PRICELESS.

   Indians seem to always have a Discount. I asked Rajesh what time is it? He replied, " Its 3 O'clock my friend but for you I will make it 2.30".

   The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...

   Whatever life throws at you, duck and let it hit someone else!

   I never date left handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

   I like to leave random messages like "I'm pregnant -- Call me" on random car windshields in the shopping mall parking lot.

   Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.

   Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

   I'm getting so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at the mortuary and "You're doing your job", do it at home and you're "destroying evidence".

   I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Detroit". So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that reads "I hope that helps".

   Extra virgin olive oil is just like regular olive oil but with more Star Wars action figures.

   My dog says my job is to always rub his back,, and violates OSHA law by not letting me take breaks.

   My dancing has been described as "Oh Dear God, Can somebody get this man an EpiPen?”

   "That'll do pig.. That'll do",,, is apparently not the reply to give when the wife asks how an outfit looks on her

   If Mark Hamill doesn't enter the room and shout "It's Hamill Time!",, In this next movie,, I'm gonna be dissapionted