Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I was at a bar last night and a waitress screamed "Does anyone know CPR?" I said "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!" Everyone laughed. Well, everyone except this one guy….

   To be honest, I'm just not that into you, Monday.

   Like my wise old Granny always said, 'You want breakfast in bed, you best be sleeping in the kitchen."

   My Life Coach just explained to me that I've been in the placebo group.

   Current relationship status: Made dinner for two. Ate both.

   I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words. “Are you holding that ladder properly?”

   "Deeper," I moaned as the Chipotle guy scooped my sour cream.

   The worst one-liner was probably the Titanic.

   Red Bull and Vodka. Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake.

   All the tellers at my bank are female. That means I could probably rob the place with a spider.

   I got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently its wrong to yell "SHOTGUN" before boarding a plane.

   Payday isn't until next week so if you need me I'll be over here eating a bowl of ramen noodles boiled in tears.

   That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.

   When you're so deep in the friend zone that you've met her boyfriend's parents...

   Does anyone else need to pee when Elsa sings "Let it Go"?

   I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

   To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant.

   Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

   Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.

   Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club.