Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last four letters in "American" are "I can." The last four letters in "Republican" are "I can." The last four letters in "Democrats" are "rats."

   I took four of my liberal friends to see the movie 13 Hours. And just to get the point across, I left them there.

   If pigs could vote they'd always vote for the guy who brings the food, even though he's the same one who will slaughter and eat them later.

   Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.

   What type of tea do babies drink? Tit tea.

   Shout out to all the older siblings....who were used as the tester kids and now watch their younger siblings get away with stuff that they would have been killed for.

   Balloons are so weird...."Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."

   I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

   Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.

   Babies: Their plan is to start crying at 3 am for no reason.

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.

   There should be one day out of the year where people working retail can say what they want without getting into trouble.

   I feel a spree coming on. It's either shopping or killing, I haven't decided yet.

   After watching TV with my kids, I think I have figured out what's wrong with this generation....their cartoons suck.

   Dear women, he does not want a watch for his Birthday. He wants you to dress like a hooker, handcuff him to a chair and have the kind of sex with him that would definitely upset churchgoing people.

   I think a man with a helmet defending his country should make more money than a man with a helmet defending a football.

   All these 9 year olds with their iPhones, iPads, and laptops....when I was 9, I felt cool with new markers.

   Don't forget to pay your taxes this year so the Government can give it to people that don't work as hard as you.

   Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor?

   I came out as a lesbian to my best friend a few years ago, this weekend I'm taking her last name because I am marrying her sister. Screw my homophobic ex "BFF".