Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   Happy Earth Day everyone. Suck it, Mars!

   Now that there will be a woman on the $20 bill does that mean it will be worth less than the ones with men on them?

   ..... In celebration of Earth Day, I took my dog outside and let her fertilize the ground ...

   They should put Harriet Tubman on the EBT card instead

   Happy Pretending We Know What We Can & Can't Recycle Day!

   It’s the 40th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I went outside and stared at the ground for a little while.

   I learned something from Prince. To aim as high as one possibly can when writing songs. That's why I never made it big. I never aimed high enough. I wrote a song called Little Red Chevette.

   Not a good day for one name celebrities. Someone keep an eye on Bono, Madonna & Cher.

   FYI: if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row,, that's called a "McTurbo"... and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace

   This just in... Kanye West is still alive. Meanwhile we continue to lose really talented artists...

   *accidentally taxidermies the wrong end of a lion... * "What a catasstrophy!"

   They preemted 'The Price Is Right' with news about Prince dying. Great. Now I'll never know who won the Showcase Showdown...

   Evel Kneivel: Jumps over 45 old school busses... Good Kneivel: Fixes the busses and makes sure every kid gets a good education

   I feel sorry for people that haven't found their true love. My ex is on her 5th.

   Now he really IS the artist formally known as Prince

   Please dont let Lifetime tell Prince's story... After what they did to Aliyah and Whitney....

   It's the end of his purple reign. R.I.P.Prince.

   Going to Hell on a full scholarship.