Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

   I've decided February is a trial month too, I'll sort out my life in March....

   Caller ID should be more specific. It should say things like, "Needs to borrow money" or "Will whine about petty stuff".

   Jeb Bush always looks like a substitute teacher that just got some attitude from the problem student.

   Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker.

   Pizza deserves the same rights as burgers....

   Neither of the Democrat candidates have the balls to be president.

   I am so glad I don't hunt animals, I have no clue where gluten-free tacos live?!?!

   Money can buy the f*ck out of happiness. Anyone who tells you otherwise has small genitals because people with small genitals say weird stuff.

   So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

   Immigrants are like sperm. Millions get in...only one works!

   So it's Hump Day and it isn't raining or snowing, does that mean it's a Dry Hump Day?

   A man mixed his wife's ashes with fireworks....so she could light up his life one last time.

   Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."

   A new study found that people who take their coffee black are more likely to exhibit psychopathic traits. And people who order a quad shot, non-fat, vanilla soy, extra foam, light whip with caramel drizzle are more likely to be their victims.

   We are all mature adults until somebody brings out the bubble wrap.

   I went to Denny's. I ordered poached eggs scrambled sunny side up over easy. The server spontaneously combusted.

   I had a dream last night that I was taking selfies with Hillary Clinton... and then I started shooting an AK47 in my kitchen at absolutely nothing. Never eat burritos before bed.

   ..... Judging by the way some women wear makeup it's rather obvious they didn't excel at coloring as a kid ....

   I can't wait for Trump to start writing executive orders, payback's a b****