Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They're called 'selfies' because the only one who's interested in them is yourself.

   Maybe she's born with spit. Maybe it's Vaseline.

   Cinco De Mayo,Celebrated more in the Southwest than in Mexico, Because there is MORE Freedom in America where they are trespassing than in the country Mexico where they came from. But constantly complain that the US is not enough like Mexico

   ....... Why do illegal Mexican trespassers wave the Mexican Flag at protests in America but refuse to live in their home country of Mexico ....

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich

   You want to get the PERFECT body, it's easy... 😮 Walk up hill, a lot.. & only eat meat. 👍........ *Sponsored by Ed's hillwalking & meats Ltd

   20s: Sure, I'll take the floor... 30s: The floor? No, But I'll sleep on the couch.... 40s: What thread count are your sheets?

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 7lbs.

   I've been to jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.

   Just wondering, will there be any Transgendered bathrooms at the Republican National Convention this summer?

   Come on people I don't think we are ready for a woman president!! I can't believe no ones asking her the important questions like can she cook!!!

   You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.

   I love coffee, but if someone with a British accent offers me crumpets and tea, l would totally cheat.

   A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge

   I don't care if you're male or female as long as you fill the paper roll the right way. Oh, and make sure the seat is down...

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.

   Help I don't know what to do I just learn my Bathroom is used by Males and Females so guess its a Transgender Bathroom. Do I boycott it?

   With all the controversy surrounding public restrooms, I am now identifying myself as 'waiting til I get home'

   A picture only captures a millisecond of a life. So at the end of the day, don't judge a person by their pics.