Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.

   I watched a documentary last night where this team of scientists studied the inside of a man bun. Turns out they are formed from craft beer and Maroon 5 CDs.

   If you name your child Penny, you can't really have very high expectations...

   Anybody know where I can purchase a George Zimmerman hoodie?

   I wonder if Uranus is getting tired of being the butt of everyone's jokes?

   Saying, "Finger Lickin' Good" out loud -- even at KFC -- makes everyone pretty uncomfortable.

   My daughter's only 6 months old and already drawing. I'd hang it on the fridge but honestly, it's absolute garbage.

   While you guys were distracted by the smoke screens the Government placed in the form of gender neutral bathrooms, election drama, and racism...Tyler Perry was right under our noses making another movie. Wake up America. This has to stop.

   Gotta love a woman who can hand you your own ass.....

   How do you know when you're with a gentleman? At the end of the date he asks, "May I inquire as to the possibilities which center around my being able to accompany you into your humble abode, whereby you gratuitously allow me to stick it in

   Watching Home Alone 3 and wondering what's taking children's services so long?

   Examination room walls have seen and heard more sincere prayers than any temple.

   Turns out I'm not a Jedi after all.....Bummer

   Getting stuff out of my wardrobe is like playing Jenga.

   No thanks women who lift weights, only one of us must look like a man in this relationship

   I would just like to take a minute to give a big shout-out to the inventor of croutons. Who knew you could take stale bread and makes so many different flavors. Props to you. :p Recycling before recycling was cool!