Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When my college daughter sees me again after two months, I worry that her pent-up eyeroll will knock a hole in the space/time continuum.

   I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.

   I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

   At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy. I loved that wheelchair.

   When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.

   Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.

   I've learned to live with a very flexible definition of 'OK.'

   I'm not exactly sure what went down last night. But I woke up in my bed partially clothed, and found business cards in my pocket from a lawyer, a chirpractor, and the Shriners Women's Auxiliary.

   I look both ways before crossing a one way street now, that's how little faith I have left in humanity during this presidential election year.

   When exactly do young chicks become old hens? Just asking for my wife and her clucking friends.

   I'm going to the Aquarium, do some fishing. . .

   Question ... Which Democrat candidate has given up any of their earnings in the name of income inequality? Answer .... Neither .... They are both hypocrites!!!

   .... If dueling to the death made a comeback today .... I bet people would start being a heck of a lot less offended!

   .... I'm puzzled .... How did America go from being a nation that figured out how to put a man on the moon ... To one that is confused about which bathroom to use?

   Thanks to modern medicine, we can stay sexually active way past the age where anyone wants to see us nekkid.

   Looking forward to a nice English summer. Blue skies, warm and sunny. Should be a nice couple of days....

   Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

   To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.

   Next time you need to fart in public, say "Do I smell popcorn" then watch everyone take a deep breath