Snotty Funny Status Messages

   I also think it's adorable how their putting jokes on the sides of snacks now. .. Like listen to this one, ,,"serving size 3 cookies "

   I think it's funny how "go to sleep " and "do parkour" sound exactly the same to my kids

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   It's been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I'm still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

   I'm still waiting for the ability to call the car in front of me & tell the driver to pull her head out of his ass... Where are we on this technology?

   Sorry I unfollowed you but you said regular fries are just as good as sweet potato fries,, and that's a lie.

   My Dad: People overcome adversity all the time son... Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   I got a Go Fund Me Account so I can afford Avocado on all my sandwiches

   The dental hygienist asked if I have any concerns. So we talked for 20 minutes about how Kevin Durant will fit in with the Warriors.

   ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.... RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air...... ME: HOLY CRAP !?!

   If you don't think that time traveling is possible,, just start an argument with your wife.

   What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?

   This is a shout out, to those of you on the toilet right now reading this... Have a good dump. Seriously.

   FYI,,, I never really know when to stop peeling cabbage.

   Well tonight's date night for me and the wife I certainly hope we don't run into each other

   I'm almost positive that Mona Lisa is smiling because she just passed gas and got away with it.