friday OR weekend Funny Status Messages

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   Possible "Breaking Amish" sequels:.. #1:Friday Night Without Lights... #2:That 1870's Show... #3:The Big Barn Theory...#4:Not-Modern Family

   SAFETY REMINDER: If you encounter an NFL Running Back this weekend, Keep your distance and do NOT approach them....

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"

   Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   Look kiddo, you're 7 now. Daddy's Gin & Tonic needs to be mixed a lot better than that. Rules are rules. Standard def TV only this weekend.

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...

   How could there have been 60 shootings and 11 people killed in Chicago over the July 4th weekend when guns are not allowed there?

   SILF - Sorry Liver Its Friday

   Anywhere in the word that is UTC-5 or less will get a full moon on Friday, Sept. 13 2019. So the next one isn't 2049..... Just sayin...

   Friday the 13th would be a lot more frightening if Jason chased you down in a big SUV and made you pay to fill it up with gas.

   Yes today is the first full moon on a Friday the 13th in 14 years. The next will be October 13, 2049...blah blah blah #STFU

   October 13, 2000 was the last full moon on Friday the 13th. The next will be October 13, 2049. Check your facts SULLY.

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? The brave fallen solders of WWII fought so hard to defeat the Nazi’s so we can have the freedom to change the channel.

   Its Memorial Day Weekend and we have the media shoving Kanye & Kim’s wedding down out throats? I doubt this is what our fallen solders of WWII fought so bravely to defeat the Nazi’s. On behalf of them I am sorry.

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   There is a quadriplegic convention downtown this weekend. That place is going to be crawling with people!