Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   LinkedIn is just a dating site for people with a job right?

   Nearly wrecked my car trying to save my tacos from falling. Before you question my priorities let me point out, there was sour cream on them.

   The best dates end with "I can't believe we did that"

   A moped is basically just a motorized key to every girl's heart locket.

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall.

   Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I'm sure it was nothing important.

   'You're still a rockstar' I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and get in bed at 9:45.

   Feels like Ryan Gosling & I have a lot in common: We're both men, we both have kids. He owns a restaurant in Beverly Hills, I go to Arby's.

   I assume when a restaurant says it's "homestyle," I'll be eating my meal over a sink.

   The Cheers theme plays as I walk into McDonald's and have a mild heart attack against a trash can.

   I casually pull out my solid gold asthma inhaler with the word 'PIMP' engraved on it. I suck at it hard yet it is you who feel breathless.

   Horror movies don't scare me. 5 missed calls from mom scares me.

   We like turtles because they're so chill. They don't hurt anyone. They're just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce."

   " It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout. " From a cashier prone to joblessness and hopelessness.

   I hate when I'm on a date and she's driving and I tell her I have to use the men's room and could she stop at a gas station she says, "You should've gone at home. Too bad. Hold it in."

   It's pretty cool how much free stuff this cashier gave me at the self checkout.

   May every one of your life's ups and downs...occur in bed.

   I prefer my water to be frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka and tonic...

   Hello. You have reached the incontinence hotline. Please, hold...

   If it weren't for marriage, many of us would go thru life thinking we had no faults at all.