Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   [Enter Password] abc1234 [Password weak. Password accepted, but system cannot respect you.]

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

   A woman looked DEEP into my eyes today, I was feeling it, then she ruined it by saying I needed glasses.

   Told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

   Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make .... Then they call me ..... ugly and broke.

   .... The Universe is made up of Protons Neutrons Electrons and Morons.

   I'm glad the hackers gained access into my MySpace account. Please send me my pics, I forgot my login information 8 years ago.

   Fact: 69% of people will find something dirty in every sentence.

   If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."

   A "clear memory" button, but for my brain. And while we're at it, a "delete cookies" button, but for my thighs.

   Jeez...You'd think a guy would be flattered waking up to 53 text messages.

   Lame Pick-Up Line: Hey girl, are you Juicy Fruit gum because I thought you were really awesome for about 30 seconds.

   Sometimes I wonder if my dog ever thinks about finding his biological siblings.

   I'd have to say the most attractive quality in a man is when he loses interest in me.

   An optimist sees the glass as 1/2 full. A pessimist: 1/2 empty. An optometrist sees the glasses as 1/2 off with the purchase of a 2nd pair.

   "How do you find anything in here?!" --My mugger, giving my purse back

   Maybe mama duck isn't leading her babies, maybe she's trying to outrun them.

   I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.

   My therapist is right, you need help.

   I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.