Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that Microsoft had bought LinkedIn, you have even more reason to pretend you know Excel.

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   You had me at hello. Then you said "sorry wrong apartment". Come back. You know where I live.

   When my girlfriend and I broke up, she got the bed and I got the coffee machine. So now I don't have a bed and I'm more aware of it now.

   Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.

   I asked HR for some things to improve my work performance: an adjustable chair, a wrist cushion mousepad, xanax. Pretty standard requests.

   You're only as attractive as getting your photo taken in the middle of a yawn.

   Fact: Kids learn so much in school they need the summer to have it all sink in so they don't forget any of it.

   I am sickened by people that put ketchup on mac and cheese.

   Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork."

   Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   Yes your opinions h ere will change the course of history. It will change government policy. It will change world order.

   Listen. I love you all and understand you have the right to your ideas and opinions. But I am sick to death of the posts congratulating the Pittsburgh Penguins. Have you no decency?

   With all the technology these days, you'd think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   THAT CHEWBACCA LADY IS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING NOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE MY EX.....

   Hello, 911? I would like to report someone lying on Facebook.

   MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.