Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1277 of 6383
Sorry your winter coat is getting more action than you are this spring.
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04-08-2016 16:10
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The only technique I've mastered from watching cooking shows is screaming and swearing at everyone in the kitchen.
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04-08-2016 16:07
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The longest relationship I've had is with an antidepressant. Perfect phrase to put on my eHarmony account.
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04-08-2016 16:05
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Now that the absurdity of voting for American Idol is now over, let's focus on the absurdity of voting for an American president.
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04-08-2016 16:03
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I don't know how the law of averages works, but you'd think after 25yrs of marriage I'd be right at least once??........bOb
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04-08-2016 10:10 by bOb
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It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.
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04-08-2016 09:45
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I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.
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04-08-2016 07:01
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There's nothing like taking your bra off after a long hard day of having boobs.
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04-08-2016 06:58
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I hate how you're just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education so you can get a job. What if I wanted to be a duck.
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04-08-2016 06:57
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Always smile in the morning. It definitely makes people wonder what you did last night?!?!
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04-08-2016 06:54
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Whenever I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I'm a blackjack dealer....
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04-08-2016 06:52
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If you're going to rattle my cage, you best make sure I'm padlocked in it.
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04-08-2016 06:49
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Never call me creepy. You're the only one that doesn't even know we're engaged.
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04-08-2016 06:48
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My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.
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04-08-2016 06:44
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What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.
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04-08-2016 06:40
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My milkshake brings all the cats to the yard and I'm like, "I'll adopt every single one of you, don't test me."
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04-08-2016 06:38
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, "See you in the morning!" And then we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. Saw them 21 more times before sunrise.
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04-08-2016 06:34
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I love how coffee fixes everything. Tired? Drink some coffee. Headache? Drink coffee. Cold? Drink coffee. Someone makes your angry? Bust them in the head with the cup!!!
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04-08-2016 06:30
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You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
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04-08-2016 06:23
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Questions To Ask Coworkers/Friends Every Friday: What do you mean I'm crazy? Have the unicorns been spreading vicious ugly rumors about me again?
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04-08-2016 06:20
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