Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Airbnb weirds me out a bit. As a kid, people are like "Don't talk to strangers", but as an adult you're paying to be in their house.

   Press Ctrl, Shift, C. Type "rosebud;:" and hold down Enter. Oh wait this isn't The Sims?!?! We're all screwed.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   'Battery life' is an interesting phrase...it signifies thas your smartphone's battery has a life, but you don't.

   Babysat my friends son. We both had grape juice, mine was fermented...

   I don't think America should elect any President in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

   Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.

   This Friday, Finding Dory will be release in theaters as well as Season 4 of Orange is the new Black on Netflix. One is about the adventures of a lost soul in a sea of fish searching for love. The other is made by Pixar.

   I work with a guy that wants to vote for Hillary (just so he can say he lived long enough to see a woman President. Wonder how many of you are out there with the same thoughts?

   I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

   Happy 70th, Donald. Don't forget to take a little time out to think about yourself today. Oh and make sure you get some cake before Chris Christie gets there!

   You're telling me that not one person in that entire club thought to hide in the closet?

   4 new elements have been added to the periodic table. Adding to the list of things you won't retain from high school.

   Pro Tip: SPF 50 repels anyone over the age of 50.

   Get in car, drive to library, park car, enter library, consult encyclopedia, get back in car, drive home. --How we Googled in the 1980's

   Microsoft agrees to acquire LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. Which is also the number of email updates users receive daily.

   At times I think we have achieved so much as a species, but then I notice that someone has tossed a dirty diaper in a parking lot.

   Your body expands in the Summer which is why it's important to use weight in the Winter.