Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   It looks like the joke will be on Hillary if she wins. She'll have to sit at the same desk Monica Lewinsky knelt under.......

   I think Donald Trump is Sacha Baron Cohen's best character so far.

   No GPS,,, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in Maine,, Have you seen Deliverance?

   Pro tip: hold the scissors to the wifi cable to get your family to do what you want

   Kidney stones, Hemorrhoids, Syphilis, or President...None I want to feel the Burn

   My wife looked at me out in the yard and said "I didn’t know you could Moon Walk." I said "I can’t. I’m trying to get the dog poop off my shoes."

   ... Turns out Mr. Sanders ISN'T the guy that makes that fried chicken .... So I gues I'm gonna have to vote for that ugly guy that screams and wears those ugly pant suits ....

   I am disappointed that my malware program does not block Hillary images.

   Men dressed as women to use a womens bathroom is not gay rights.

   Sorry you live in a U.S. state that considers gay rights to be more harmful than tobacco.

   Interesting Fact: I only order meals in restaurants and fast food places solely based on what'll look best on Instagram since 2012.

   Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.

   I'm glad I don't work for the Catholic church on Take Your Child To Work Day.

   Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in your life.

   I'd donate to a GoFundMe page dedicated to stopping people from asking me to donate to their GoFundMe page.

   Let's smoke enough pot so that we make even less sense than the meaning of 4/20.

   I wish complaining about taxes was tax-deductable.

   Opening day of baseball means only 120 more games until we need to start caring about baseball.