Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I knew the honeymoon was over when she texted from the bathroom to bring her toilet paper.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 15:38 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Newt Gingrich is calling for a new House Committee on Un-American Activities. I thought that was just called Congress.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 15:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wolverine doesn't apologize nearly enough for a dude from Canada.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 15:35 Comments (1)  


   messageicon The Lord works in mysterious ways...like when he sent that alligator to drag the toddler off, right in front of his horrified parents. It's all part of His wonderful, divine plan! How mysterious.... Amen!
←Rate | 06-15-2016 13:42 Comments (2)  


   messageicon After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 13:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Okay so plus size is in. That lets me out. I'm calculus size.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 12:40 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sorry, I can't. It's Toyota's Summer Sale-A-Thon.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 11:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Scooby Doo taught me that the only real monsters are humans.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 09:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Cant, made plans to have insomnia again tonight.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 09:29 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dont get me started on how coddled the modern anus is.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 09:27 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish I was cool enough to post pictures of my food on Facebook
←Rate | 06-15-2016 09:26 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie
←Rate | 06-15-2016 09:26 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon Juice Cleanse Update: I just ate my cat.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon it normal to be out of breath when eating a Burrito Supreme?
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon What happens in the woods stays in the woods, so always keeps a shovel handy.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Like any great man Tony Danza never said who the boss actually was. He left it up to the viewer to decide.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon In a hotel with thin walls and heard a girl in the next room say "It's better without protection". She must've fired her body guard or something...
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I picture Trump as president constantly logging into the White House twitter account and retweeting all the tweets from his account.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You blast George Michael's "I Want Your Sex" from your car in front of a local Sorority House that one time and suddenly you're "that guy".
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not to brag or anything but once in 2005 for about three months I was the top friend for three different people on MySpace.
←Rate | 06-15-2016 03:18 Comments (0)  




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