Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does every day have to be a National this or that day? Every little thing doesn't need its own damn day.

   Don't say retarded, it offends retarded people and people that look for reasons to be offended.

   I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   I wonder what people who type “u” instead of “you” do with all their free time.

   Being a baby would be fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours..THAT seems like fun.

   I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, interrupt MY day and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.

   Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 90 years old yesterday. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

   I downloaded the TED CRUZ 2016 APP, but all I got was reruns of the MUNSTERS

   How is it there is a D in fridge but not in refrigerator

   Bring back stoner dude

   In honor of National Siblings Day, go kick your siblings in the genitals. You too can be the $10,000 winner on America's Funniest Home Videos.

   Actor Wendell Pierce announced he is investing in a $20 million Baltimore apartment complex that will offer homes to artists at a discounted rate. Why is this news if Kanye West and/or the Kardashians aren't involved in some way?

   One does not simply talk to their pet in a normal voice....no they don't, oh no they don't.

   In honor of national siblings day... I wish I would have grown up with money instead of siblings. :)

   A Perfect High School Prom Theme For 2016: An Enchanted Night at a Trump Rally.

   My goal in 2016 is to show my fellow Trump supporters who aren't single how awesome being single is.

   The Hardy Boys tackle their toughest mystery yet in, "F*cking Run, The Sun Exploded!"

   Unicorns are real -- They're just fat, grey and we call them Rhinos.

   Popularity allows you to live with others, but integrity lets you live with yourself.

   I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.