Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey Baby, are you hiding Opiates in your bra? 'Cause I see a Perky Set.

   Bologna is just hotdog pancakes.

   AAA says keeping your tires properly inflated can save drivers 8 cents a gallon. I say a properly cast vote can save you $3.00 a gallon.

   New goal: To go an entire day with seeing or hearing anything about Elon Musk.

   I have nothing to say, but I will say it often and loud until I'm heard

   'm cleaning house and thinking that I need a car that runs on dog hair.

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my very old prom dress.

   I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

   I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

   Chaz Bono should be a weatherman. He is after all partly sonny. sorry I had to Cher.

   What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond

   I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

   Just because you have a beard doesn’t mean you’re a man, vaginas can grow hair too.

   You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.

   Friendship is being there when someone is feeling low and not being afraid to kick them.

   I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous.

   What do you call a guy that never farts in public? A private tutor.

   What did the fisherman say to the magician? Pick a cod, any cod.

   What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.