Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im going to write bad checks at Target because I identify myself as a billionaire....Shame on my bank for restraining me from what I'm destined to be!

   There's never a bad time forcertain people to become 'missing persons. 'Today is no exception.

   Sarcasm: noun/ The brain's natural defense against Dumb.

   Maybe, just maybe, if we tell all these young people with their faces glued to their phones that the brain is an app, they'll start using it.....

   I wanna get rich enough to say to someone "nonsense, you can stay in our guest house"

   But do you know what 6.9 is? A good thing screwed up by a period.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.

   How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony? It's not hard.

   Olympic track makes you feel like you witnesed a crime, because you hear a gunshot and then see a bunch of black guys hauling ass.

   What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant.

   "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing....except when you're at a funeral.

   Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.

   There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

   Nothing says' I love my dog' quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

   I learned something about Prince, that doves actually cry. Hmmmm.

   ♫♪♫ If you're happy and you know it's your meds ♫♪♫