Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:13 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 17:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 15:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
←Rate | 06-22-2016 14:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 14:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse
←Rate | 06-22-2016 13:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 13:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 09:01 by Fazzella Comments (0)  


   messageicon Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.
←Rate | 06-22-2016 07:02 Comments (0)  




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