Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1262 of 6446

To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.
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06-22-2016 17:24
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Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.
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06-22-2016 17:22
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Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.
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06-22-2016 17:20
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My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
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06-22-2016 17:18
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My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.
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06-22-2016 17:15
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My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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06-22-2016 17:13
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My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.
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06-22-2016 17:11
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BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.
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06-22-2016 15:17
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So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?
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06-22-2016 15:14
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Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.
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06-22-2016 15:12
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Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.
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06-22-2016 15:07
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If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....
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06-22-2016 15:05
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Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.
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06-22-2016 15:03
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You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.
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06-22-2016 15:01
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Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'
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06-22-2016 14:56
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Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.
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06-22-2016 14:43
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Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse
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06-22-2016 13:47
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Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.
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06-22-2016 13:35
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You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.
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06-22-2016 09:01 by Fazzella
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Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.
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06-22-2016 07:02
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