Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To put 1.5 billion dollars into perspective. It's $5 for every person in the US or almost enough to send 2 kids to college.

   Be the Google search results you want your future employer to find.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

   My Dad gave me a set of golf clubs. Hope someone tries to break into my house pretty soon so I can try them out.

   My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

   My cat would like you to know that no dragon has ever attacked me whilst sitting on the toilet. And she plans on keeping it that way.

   BREAKING: After the Cavs won the NBA title, rioters in Cleveland are expected to cause $10 million in improvements.

   So this means that the residents of Cleveland have nothing to complain about, right?

   Turns out the Senate is more likely to allow a AK-47 inside a public restroom than a transgender person.

   Whenever you are having a bad day, keep in mind someone's favorite Batman was George Clooney.

   If people always gave up when the chances got slim, we wouldn't have heroes...or progress...or a 4 minute mile....

   Breasts are to men as diamonds are to women. The bigger they are, the dumber we get.

   You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.

   Pixar announces, 'Finding Nemo 3, The Search of Future Revenue.'

   Dear Disney: Please make a a 2,160 hour Pixar movie for my kids to watch this summer.

   Godammit Rickon, zig zag you dumba$$. Didn't you watch The Apocalypse

   Today's words of Wisdom: Don't drown the man who taught you to swim.

   You have to figure that Shaquille O'Neal never signs greeting cards "Love, Shaq" because that band the B-52's came out with that song and pretty much ruined it for him.

   Sick & Tired of pants and responsibilities.