Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny all those people that love Prince and don't mind his drug abuse probably complained about Lance Armstrong

   All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?

   Gun free zones do not stop shooters so what makes you think a bathroom sign will stop a sexual predator... Common sense people...

   The past two weeks I've eaten nothing but fiber rich foods. Fiber, fiber, fiber. So anyway, this morning I go to use the bathroom and...well, let's just say I'm the proud owner of a brand new wicker coffee table.

   I don't hate anybody. I'm just not neccesarily excited by their existance....

   Dear Burger King, We are not really enticed by the idea you are now selling hotdogs. The weird people you place in your television ads really doesn't help either. Just stick to burgers. Sincerely, Everyone.

   Beyonce New Lemonade video is making me feel like my man is cheating on me. ... and I dont even have one. me....

   Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...

   My wife walked in the room with crotchless panties and said eat this. I said hell no look what it did to your underwear.

   Never play Uno with Mexicans they will steal all the green cards.

   I'm going to open a Star Wars themed Chinese Restaurant called "Hung So Lo."

   People setting up GoFundMe's because they can't afford a TV... Don't you know that's what lay-a-way is for?

   Whenever I see a dog I say hello,when I see a human I try not to make eye contact and hope it goes away

   Girls don't give you phone numbers anymore its here is my snapchat name

   I'm not horrified by your views on this whole public restroom issue, I'm horrifed that you would actually use a public restroom.

   Where did Noah keep his bees?... In the ark hives........ * Yes,, I'm showing myself out,, thanks

   I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

   *This summer at the GOP convention,, Scooby and the gang suddenly rush the stage. They wrestle Trump to the ground, struggling to remove his face.

   WOW. Someone needs a Happy Meal.

   fine then, family is NOTHING