Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Is you house baby-proof?" Yes, I threw like 7 babies at it and the house didn't break.

   The lawsuit against Starbucks for underfilling coffee drinks is the new definition of first world problems.

   I'm going to spread this all over your moist cupcake. ~ Baker sext

   *Slices up lemons right in front of life*

   Spider-Man in the streets, the Hobgoblin in the sheets.

   Popeyes favorite tool never rusted because he kept sticking it in Olive Oil.

   Some Warning Labels are a little stupid, like on my Deodorant it says, "Avoid Contact with Eyes"....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!

   Sarah Palin still a Trump loyalist?

   Don't worry inbox, I'm empty too.

   I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

   Nothing says America needs a third viable political party like having Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton as presidential candidates for the Republican and Democratic Parties respectively.

   Marriage advice: If you can't play a simple board game without arguing, don't even attempt assembling IKEA furniture together.

   FYI: I'm only interested in women ages 19 to 102. If your not in this age range please dont message me!!! Thnx

   Dear U.S. Representatives. Next time, instead of a "sit in", threaten a "SH*T IN". Let's see how they like them apples.

   Remember when WWE finally came out and admitted that everything was staged and that it was entertainment... and how crushing it was for people who still thought it was real?... I'm awaiting politicians to make the same announcement...

   If life were a romantic comedy I would be the guy on a date with the girl when the male lead makes his grand gesture that wins her back.

   I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.

   A Ticketmaster settlement means free event tickets. Most popular: Charlie Sheen reads from the phone book & The Orange Man Group.

   Sitting by the dock of the....OMG look how good my reflection looks in the water.

   The Law & Order dun dun is what men hear when we're asked if we remember what today is.