Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to...

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.

   What is the Biggest Benefit of having a crush in the same college where you study? . . . . 100% Attendance...

   Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.

   When I met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.

   The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people... But others have no imagination whatsoever.

   This twit looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Heinken or Millers?" I said, " There’s a tap underneath, taste it".

   FACT - For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

   I was going through a tough time ..... then I opened my eyes .... then there was you :-)

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."

   .... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... It's YOU that NEEDS to CHANGE ungrateful Dumbass!!

   Ya OK .... The extent of my being a real tough assed dude .... Is kinda limited to humming "Bad to the Bone!" ..... While eating my smoked baby back ribs. Like I say .... I'm a real Tough Ass!!!

   Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...

   ..... You know I suck at planning for the future when my entire retirement plan consists of buying two Powerball tickets every week ....

   We could all take a good lesson from weather. It pays no heed to criticism.

   You never really know if you're over someone until you're in the car and they're in the crosswalk.

   With classics like "I like you, but not as much as the rest of our family," I feel our 4 year old would dominate the greeting card industry.