Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Redneck Children Stories: The Lion, The Witch, and the Civil War Re-enactors.

   Hillary should be indicted. Trump will do something where he should be indicted. We're screwed. Eat Oreos.

   The "Map My Run" Facebook posts are a great way to track how far you went to brag about exercise or show your exercise running from the police.

   Am I the only one that doesn't eat all day then binges 4000 calories in one sitting?

   If you visualize something you can make it happen. I'm visualizing taking a nap.

   Wendy's pay terminals hacked!!! First my wife finds out I was on Ashley Madison, now she'll know I bought my dates baked potatoes.

   Going to Walmart makes me appreciate the little things like pants that fit, deodorant, and dental insurance.

   Donald Trump promises to defend article 12 of the Constitution after confusing for bankruptcy chapters.

   Q.What do you call a dog with 2 inch legs and metal b@lls. A. Sparky

   Hmmm, we didn't have all this craziness when people were allowed to smoke anywhere.......

   What's the one phrase a blind person never wants to read? "Do not touch!"

   Black Lies Scatter!

   Black Jives Shatter

   I really don't think it's right to support hate, violence and murder just because it suits your agenda.

   The FBI keeps insisting that the greatest threat to America is "Right Wing Extremist Groups." In the mean time people & cops are being murdered across the nation by anything other than that. Beginning to think the biggest threat is those FBI warnings.

   About a year ago I told my friend there’s plenty of fish in the sea. Last I heard he is still sitting there holding his rod.

   It’s bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::

   Judging by my news feed this week, people are outraged by the amount of recent killings AND trespassing on personal property from Pokémon GO players. Stop the madness, people!

   The wife was bragging about being a multi-tasker last night, I said " O yeah, why can’t you have a headache and sex at the same time?”......