Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.

   Pro Tip: The gorillas at the Cincinnati zoo do not offer babysitting services without being shot by the zoo staff.

   Always look after your kids while visiting the Gorilla enclosure at the zoo, or the Gorilla will get shot....

   dinosaurs were on the ark, Noah was smart enough to know you bring the babies, just bring a pink and a blue one....that part will be important later.

   Guy's lame excuse for not hanging out #473: I have to help my friend change his car oil

   Where do dinosaurs fit in this bible story of yours Sir?

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates

   President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.

   "DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around

   He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

   Its super weird touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you're eating his popcorn.

   Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert.

   Current Relationship Status: My girlfriend takes more selfies with the cat than with me.