Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My nipples are so sensitive, they co-wrote "Piece by Piece" by Kelly Clarkson.

   I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that's the last thing I need.

   Bernie Sanders looks like the guy in disaster movies who knows whats coming but no one listens to cause his hair bad and he keep dropping his papers....

   You can tell kids you're friends with Donald Trump, they don't know.

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.

   Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that.

   Amazon Prime will deliver food right to my door? GTFO. I may never have to see people again!

   Lesson learned: toddlers don't understand sarcasm. As a side note, don't say 'bite me' around toddlers that don't understand sarcasm.

   it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.

   Fun Fact: You can edit and crop a selfie so that we aren't able to see the cataclysmic disaster of dirty clothes in the background!

   I just want a woman that will look out for me while I'm shaking the vending machine....

   Grooming tip: Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

   Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

   I decided not to vote for President this year because if I am gonna waste my gas then it better be something important like driving to Chick-Fil-A.

   Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

   Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

   Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.

   I'd pay someone to push me out of pictures when I'm drunk.

   I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

   Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.