Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As you Mature... you learn that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them, hope they panic and give in.

   Taylor Swift on an episode of Scooby Doo: “And I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling Kardashians!"

   black lives matter on or off this week?

   Watching Donald Trump's interview is like watching someone have a conversation with a sock puppet.

   A new poll says 50% want Trump and 50% want Killary... Me?... I just want a lobotomy..

   The NRA finally said how to tell a good guy with a gun from a bad guy with a gun. It involves pigmentation.

   I'm old enough now to realize the only pork in "Pork and Beans" was an inedible piece of bacon fat

   Done! Just completed my weekend to-do list from 2007.

   Everyone is an atheist until you drop their baby....

   Ironically, the new Trump-Pence campaign logo looks like it would be illegal in Indiana.

   I think all 3 of my ex girlfriends have sold Herbalife, so yeah, I'm doing really great!!!

   Question: Is military coup an option for the 2016 US presidential election?

   Apply NRA Logic To Anything: My best friend's cat would have been alive if he'd been able to defend himself against quantum mechanics.

   Kids wonder about too many things for people who haven't been high.

   Does chewing on a slipper while having sex count as 'doggy style'?

   It's not polluting if the bottles you throw out of the car window into the lake have a note inside of them.

   Trick friends into believing you went on a tropical vacation by having your hair braided.

   The closest I get to reading a book is the synopsis of a movie I'm about to watch.

   Even Clint Eastwood's chair is refusing to appear at the Republican National Convention.

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something.