Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God gave his own Archangels Weapons ... Because even God knew you don't fight Evil with tolerance and understanding.

   I grew up living Paycheck to Paycheck ...... NOW after a lot of very hard work and Perseverance ... I now live from Direct Deposit to Direct Deposit.

   Every room is a panic room if you suffer from anxiety.

   Mick Jagger to be a father at 72. Names Keith Richards child's godfather to ensure the child is brought up right long after Mick's gone.

   Minor Daily Wins: I was 5 minutes late for work today, but my boss was 15 minutes late....so I was 10 minutes early to work.

   Tim Tebow speaking at the Republican National Convention guarantees the Republicans have no shot at winning the Superbowl next year.

   Pro Tip: Avoid conversations by sitting at the bottom of the pool.

   5 Word Guilt Trip: Just go. I'll be fine.

   Did you know, the inventor of the headphones worked next to a guy who happily whistled all of the time.

   Never watched a documentary about paint drying though I have watched a 4 year old eat 7 peas.

   Sarah Palin not asked to speak at the Republican National Convention after discovering she doesn't have a passport to leave Alaska.

   "1-800-Yankees." - My reply when someone asks me to give them a phone number

   Just farted so badly Adam Sandler is pitching to buy the rights to make a movie about it.

   This Pokemon Go app is getting way too serious ..... My doctor said he found a Pokemon in my Chest X-Ray

   QUESTION: "What to you have when you finally find ALL of the Pokemon?" ... ANSWER: "Nothing .... you have nothing."

   ... it's so damn HOT out there I'm not even going out to look for Pokemon.

   ....... Hey Barack and Hillary .... Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!!!!

   It's so damn hot I think I'll go put the toilet seat up on purpose so I can get a cold Icy stare from my girlfriend

   It's a sad day when a 4 year old girl is more calm and collected than a police officer.

   some dude playing Pokémon go came inside my house to catch a Pokémon and stole my TV