Funny Status Messages

   "What difference – at this point, what difference does it make?" ------------ Melania Trump's testimony at the Benghazi Hearings on May 8, 2013

   "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" ---- Melania Trump

   Of course Melania's speech sucked, Michelle wrote it......

   I have an electric stove, but I prefer acoustic. The proceeding random thought was for all my musician friends........

   Whenever my parents talk about "the good old days", they always seem to stop at 1990. Which is pretty cool, because that's also the year I was born... wait... what?

   I hope the irony of people stealing each other's "Melania Trump plagiarism" jokes on Facebook is not overlooked.

   "Melania's Speech was 100% real... Trust Me I was THERE!" - Brian Williams

   "We do not consider Melania's speech to be plagarism....As there was no intent to plagarism" - FBI Director Comey

   Yesterday was A slight fumble, but I think Melania's really gonna shine in the swimsuit portion of the competition...

   Filter pics should come with a Disclaimer" Some objects may appear more beautiful than they realy are"

   You put a couch on your back porch you're considered trashy but put a grill next to it and tent over it and you're rich.

   Iced coffee, for when you need to chug your coffee but don't want to lose five layers of skin on the roof of your mouth.

   All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are over 21. Sorry to ruin the franchise for you.

   I started reading more because for like 6 years I thought Sharia Law was a Street Fighter character.

   A fun thing to do when your co-workers go to Chipotle for lunch is to put up “Out of Order” signs on all the bathrooms.

   Due to recent events, I'm deducting a full three stars from my Yelp review of Earth.

   A date so bad instead of just saying goodnight you both write Victim Impact Statements.

   Trump would've had more speakers at the convention but they're were roster issues. Translation: Trump ran out of family members.

   I can't believe they're going to remake Little Women with an all-female cast.

   BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC.