Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not polluting if the bottles you throw out of the car window into the lake have a note inside of them.

   Trick friends into believing you went on a tropical vacation by having your hair braided.

   The closest I get to reading a book is the synopsis of a movie I'm about to watch.

   Even Clint Eastwood's chair is refusing to appear at the Republican National Convention.

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something.

   Has anyone tried the new Trump APP its like Pokemon but instead your looking for Mexican's..

   How many points do I get if I hit a Pokemon Go player with my car?

   Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

   Political posts on facebook actually makes me miss Farmville requests and pictures of cats and dogs :)

   Notice to all you "bar star" chicks out there....STD'S aren't Pokemon, you don't have to catch them all!!

   I've noticed that when you remove the vowels from "female" you get FML.

   You think the world is conflicted now? Wait until we discover a new inhabitable planet and then try to figure which races and religions to take there.

   Always Put This On Your Online Dating Profile: My hobbies include taking LSD and rescuing stray dogs.

   Get lost in nature during a hike and you will definitely not find yourself, more like you could quite possibly die....

   Well aren't you just a fun little pretty lollipop triple dipped in psycho....

   Legend says when you can't sleep it's because you are awake in someone else's dreams....when I find out who you are I'm going to punch you right in the face.

   A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.

   Females don't want much from you except your time, attention, space, food, shirts, fun, bed covers, genitals, passwords, credit cards, life and soul.

   Science....because the answer never turned out to be magic. Ever.

   .... In a world collapsing ..... What do YOU prefer? ...... Comforting LIES .... Or .... Unpleasant TRUTHS?