Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not narcissistic. I just wonder how all of this pertains to me....

   I just assume I do everything wrong since I don't have a wife to confirm it.

   When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

   Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]

   The first bee is always the calm before the swarm.

   I think my coworkers like me mostly because I’m too busy texting to judge their work ethic.

   Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he's expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

   Olive Garden didn't treat me like family. If they did they would've blown cigarette smoke in my face and told me what a disappointment I am.

   Pitching a marriage game show called ""Fine or Not Fine?"

   My 401k is whatever’s left on this Starbucks gift card.

   One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

   To be honest, I thought all this was a dream, so I stopped paying my bills a year ago.

   She said she hates my analogies and wishes I would communicate like a normal person, but that's like telling a samurai not to use his sword.

   My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I'll be able to do karate if I'm ever in a fight.

   90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.

   Computer glitch at LAX causes passenger to catch flight quickly & unmolested....

   I passed a heart stress test today when I noticed a spider crawling up my shoulder.

   When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.

   Thanks to you gender benders, now my kid thinks that women give birth to girls and men give birth to boys.

   The sworn responsibility of the President of the United States is to preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. Question: When was the last time you heard any of the candidates even mention the Constitution?