Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love ordering from the menu by reading the description, not the item. "Yes, I'll have the two long ground corn tamales stuffed with pork."

   Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.

   This election is like choosing how you want to be killed. Sir, here are your two choices. Do you want to be killed with a Hillary or a Donald?

   Yes your opinions h ere will change the course of history. It will change government policy. It will change world order.

   Listen. I love you all and understand you have the right to your ideas and opinions. But I am sick to death of the posts congratulating the Pittsburgh Penguins. Have you no decency?

   With all the technology these days, you'd think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away

   Tell me how many bottles you have on your bathroom sink and I'll tell you how many women you live with. 20 bottles? Buddy, that's one woman.

   THAT CHEWBACCA LADY IS REALLY GETTING ANNOYING NOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE MY EX.....

   Hello, 911? I would like to report someone lying on Facebook.

   MAKE AMERICA DRUNK AGAIN - thats the only way we are going to get through this election.

   .... If you insist on using illegal Fireworks for the 4th of July this year .... Please make sure you remove the sombrero first.

   getting low on groceries so ive been munching on the bulk pack of tums from costcos all day. I think there giving me heartburn

   .... If gun control worked then Chicago should have transformed itself into Mayberry by now.

   May the shooter's 72 virgins be all males.

   TERRORISM - This is what happens when you indoctrinate people with fairy tales that have no basis in reality.

   Everyone talks about global warming, but what about global humidity?

   Todays advice: If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don't mind it at all.

   If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

   Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

   Let me see if I understand soccer. A yellow card is a warning, a red card means you have to leave the game, and a green card means you can move to the United States.