Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have the same effect at nude beaches as sharks do at family beaches.

   Pro Tip: If you leave your house in a bad mood wearing a blue shirt you will be hired at the Apple store without even applying.

   The most shocking thing about Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) violating his parole by testing positive for oxycodone is that he can afford oxycodone.

   I have a big bottle of hot sauce that lasted longer than 2 Taylor Swift's relationships combined. Less than half left, it can go two more.

   Turns out Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Turns our Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Nowadays the only way to get friends to hang out all night is if one of us needs an intervention.

   Waking up begins the countdown of when I can go back to bed....

   Every time your boss says something you should always nod a lot and say, "OMG, yes, yes, let's do that!"

   Stop Facebooking about how your baby can sit up on his own. I can do that! I do it all the time!

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   I never had a near death experience. But I did once take a cab through Manhattan during rush hour.

   Airbnb weirds me out a bit. As a kid, people are like "Don't talk to strangers", but as an adult you're paying to be in their house.

   Press Ctrl, Shift, C. Type "rosebud;:" and hold down Enter. Oh wait this isn't The Sims?!?! We're all screwed.

   Fact: If you ask a stay at home Mom how they're doing they won't stop talking for 3.5 days.

   'Battery life' is an interesting phrase...it signifies thas your smartphone's battery has a life, but you don't.

   Babysat my friends son. We both had grape juice, mine was fermented...

   I don't think America should elect any President in 2016. We need to be single for a few years and find ourselves.

   Nukes don't kill people either, so we may as well stop trying to control that.

   This Friday, Finding Dory will be release in theaters as well as Season 4 of Orange is the new Black on Netflix. One is about the adventures of a lost soul in a sea of fish searching for love. The other is made by Pixar.