Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and I thought Bi-polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference

   Just got burned by bacon grease and I ain't even mad because bacon...

   "Survivors remorse" proves who the real narcissists are...

   You know when a friend says they just don't know why they are single? And they are wearing Dansko clogs. Like they belong in a tree making cookies for Keebler? Life lesson 219....

   You know after a glass of wine...or four...and you tell a friend you started a go fund me page for her kids mental issues..... Just trying to help...

   People that say " I hate to break it to you" can't wait to break it to you!

   The DNC is going to be so interesting that BLM leaders are going to stop shooting Africans to watch.

   Juan Valdez is more Patriotic then the Clintons

   Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

   When I was little we didn't have emojis. We had to put smiley face stickers on handwritten letters like a bunch of savages.

   I wish I were full of tacos instead of emotions.

   Imagine my embarrassment at getting caught in the rain without a piña colada.

   Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.

   If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.

   I don't understand why they called it "WebMD" when they could have called it "Sickipedia."

   Time doesn't exist. It's an exclusive construct derived from the primitive human mind. - I tell myself as I set my alarm for 5am

   ..... Heck ..... I was really surprised to see Barack Obama Cracking a joke while talking about the latest Terror Attack in Munich ..... But ... Then again ... It was Obama so maybe not ....

   If your choice ever gets down between a "Liar" and an "Orangutan" .... You should know that even an Orangutan can be controlled ..... but a Liar .... Will.... ALWAYS ... deceive......

   Dear ... Hillary .... We know you ...... That is why we can't .... and shouldn't .... support you ....

   When it comes time to vote and your only choice is between a liar and an orangutan