Funny Status Messages

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   Friendship Levels: BFF -- Would die for you! Friend -- Helps you move. Acquaintance -- Says hi. Facebook Friend -- Watches you fail from a distance.

   Do most people on Twitter use their real pictures?!?! Heck, I'm watching a cabbage argue about atheism with a cat.

   I'm 31 years old. I just walked into a telephone pole playing Pokemon Go. My life turned out pretty much exactly like I expected.

   To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

   In case you wondered what it's like being married with kids, I just told my wife, "You bathe the baby. I'll scrub the poop off the walls."

   The Stages Of Eating Pizza: 1) I ate way too much. 2) This hurts. Why am I still eating? 3) One more bite & I’ll die. 4) Just 3 more slices....

   Vacation Photos 1995: "That's where we watched a breathtaking sunset over the Grand Canyon." Vacation Photos Now: "That's where we caught Pikachu."

   Had to stop the baby from eating garbage four times today, yet she won't touch her baby food. I guess that settles the taste test.

   First Night Of Vacation: 3 kids woke up crying, 1 kid peed through her clothes, my wife threw up....so it's going better than last year.

   Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable....

   If not for anything else I'm surprised my future self hasn't come back in time to furiously shake his head at me.

   North Korea declares war against US. What did Seth Rogen and James Franco do this time?

   I don't want to live in a world where HBO forces Sesame Street to cut Bob, Gordon and Luis but renews Ballers indefinitely.

   I am a male feminist because I have a genetic history of women in my family. As it turns out, my grandmothers and my mother were ALL women.

   Sarah Palin claims Russia didn't hack the DNC because she can see them from her house.

   Bad things to assume where my Facebook political rant is really gonna shake things up with this election.

   Follow your dreams. Unless you're a serial killer who wants to work in a circus as a knife thrower. That's just wrong, bro.

   anybody else hoping to see John Hinckley Jr at the next Hillary rally?

   At this point, I think the only possibility way for America to be great is if Trump's plane collides with Hillary's plane at 40,000 feet head on and nothing but ashes make it to the ground.