Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Well, of course the gas station air pump costs a dollar, because air doesn't grow on trees........... Ummmm,,,,, wait.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   it true that the tons of confetti dropped at the Democrat National Convention was actually Hillary's shredded emails?

   Things I do for klondike bars: 1) Buy them 2) Steal them 3) You

   Wait, were those actually political conventions or a seemingly endless loop of American Horror Story??

   Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect - A Guide to Dying Alone

   Pro Tip: Punching the air is the quickest way to dry your hands and the best way to keep ghosts from humping you.

   Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.

   What amazes me most about bathroom graffiti is the forethought it took to carry a Sharpie.

   The More You Know: Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

   Allowed a stray cat to come in, it's crazy and hates hugs, I'm also 95% sure it's a raccoon.

   Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good three hour run.

   Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.

   50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.

   Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

   Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

   If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's "Hello" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

   Sorry my toast at your wedding was just the surgeon generals warning with the word marriage replacing the word smoking.

   Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.