Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.

   Single men never get fat because they eat half of their cooking...... The other half is usually stick to the pan.

   Mommy Mommy , I don't want to go see grandma .. Shut up and keep digging !

   I hope the person who invented the 5-day work week, with only a 2-day weekend, died alone and poor.

   Snorted 2 lines of pre-workout powder and now my apartment is decorated for Christmas..

   Obama just said Trump is unfit to be President. ..Well aint that the pot calling the kettle black...

   when more people get silent electric cars pokemon go becomes a different game!

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   Behind every boss there are employees wondering if going to prison for felony assault would really be all that bad...

   After dating for 2 months she wanted to meet my parents. I said baby chill...I waited 9 months to meet my own.

   Russia's intelligence agency the FSB, successor to the KGB, has posted a notice on its website claiming that it now has the ability to collect crypto keys for Internet services that use encryption. Thanks Donald Trump!!

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Mexico has the same problem the US has.........Too many mexicans.

   You wouldn't believe how many bookshelves I've ruined looking for secret passageways.

   Decorating question: What color paint matches well with dust?

   We all wish Bond movies should give out a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Only wishes Twitter gives out verified badges as easy as Tinder has given out STD's.

   Commenting "looking good!" on a hot girl's Instagram photo is the modern day equivalent of a construction worker yelling at a woman.

   Calling yourself patriotic makes you patriotic the same way calling yourself a neurosurgeon makes you a neurosurgeon....

   Dad Log Day 3 At Disneyland: Still in line to meet the the Princesses from Frozen. Looks like less than a day wait to go.