Funny Status Messages

   My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that's why I never dated left handed chicks.

   I watched the Olympics last night....I first watched competitive house remodeling, then Cooking with the nuwave oven, and finally finished the evening off with what I thought was going to be open water shark vacuuming....Olympics have sure changed...

   Thank you, ladies. For shaving your pits, legs, bikini,and face. Thank you for makeup and clothes that shape you, and hold it all in. Thank you for face-lifts, tummy tucks, implants and lipo. Sincerely, Us Fake Men.

   Really hoping Donald Trump wins the 2020 Olympic fencing competition.

   Now Dammit! The sign says "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service." It said nothing of pants! It's so hot...

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because you didn't catch herpes.

   Me: Wow that was a lot of pancakes. Time to go though!..... IHOP Manager: *locks doors* I don't think you understand "never ending pancakes" sir.

   Sorry I've been avoiding you like a mall kiosk offering lotion samples.

   Watched a few hours of British TV and now I can't stop calling my shoes trainers.

   School gets out at 2:15 pm so if you don't get in the pickup line by 1:00 you don't love your kid.

   1001 crockpot recipes that all taste like beige mush.

   My cable just went out while watching the Olympics but Comcast told me they would be out to fix it between 8 AM tomorrow and the 2020 games.

   I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.

   Feels weird pouring this local single sourced organic raw honey on a biscuit from KFC.

   If you write a bunch of tweets about the farmers market from your couch on Sunday morning you can trick people into thinking you do stuff.

   Diary, 1991: wrote that I hoped to meet a guy who'd say "everything I do, I do it for you," then put "besides Jesus" so he wouldn't get mad.

   Very worried that the Olympics might get rid of fencing back when they got rid of landscaping and freestyle carpentry.

   Other Moms packing healthy school lunches while I'm redistributing the contents of a nacho Lunchable into a $30 bento box.

   Not that anyone asked outright, but yes, my tambourine lessons are coming along nicely.

   Wake up America. If a place tries to put potatoes in your burrito, you are getting robbed on meat.