Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HELP WANTED: Neck trapped in the sleeve again.

   Babies are the only ones with enough courage to scream on airplanes.

   The most important part of signing your kid up for an activity is getting a sticker for your car so everyone knows.

   There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes directly into your face.

   If you are on fire, my advice would be to get off fire.

   If you tweet as a couple and split up, she gets custody of all the followers. That's the way it works. He might get a RT on weekends.

   Not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift.

   The time I was so drunk I forgot what a bar was and called it the Beer Desk.

   Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

   Cut the crap, everybody knows you got your fedora at Target.

   If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness.

   Obama: "Don't boo... vote." Ghost: "I didn't really think that was an option for me but you've given me hope I have no arms or body but maybe."

   It wasn't until it came home with tattoos and a carton of cigarettes that I realized how bad the milk in my fridge had truly gone.

   Enjoy watching Suicide Squad by leaving 121 minutes before it finishes....

   Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.

   Generic dollar store condoms on your trip to Thailand.

   Why is it that every relationship with the best sex also comes with drama and domestic violence?

   On this date 10 years ago we lost my good friend and drinking buddy Roy. We found him 2 days later and continued drinking.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   .... In case you are wondering kiddies ..... Bongs are definitely the sound of Unemployment .... So stay away from them ... Well ... unless you're a Democrat .... Then that is probably why you became one in the first place.