Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love going on brewery tours. It's fun watching drunk people pretend to understand science.

   S&P lowers Britain from AAA to AA. Unless Britain is a disposable battery, this is bad news.

   Visit Britain because it's more fun to end your sentences with "innit?" than "y'know?"

   I'm going to start an online store where people can buy bait for when they go fishing for compliments on Facebook.

   The way things are going, the only corporate sponsor of the Republican convention will be Trump Steaks.

   .... Hey nosy people .... Please leave me alone and worry about your own freakin sins .... cuz when the time comes .... you sure as hell won't be asked about mine!!!

   Enjoy sitting on my left hand until it goes numb to pretend that someone else is seductively stirring my morning coffee.

   Little shampoos. Sure they make you feel like a giant but you're not, you're not a giant. Also they make bad travel souvenirs too.

   I wouldn't descibe myself as ego-centric. I prefer ego-Kentric.

   A recently unemployed friend signed up for Cobra and all they gave him was health insurance, not a snake?!?!

   Perhaps it wasn't a good idea to hold a referendum with the same people who came up with "Boaty McBoatface."

   America and Britain are having a competition on who can f*ck themselves up the most. Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

   After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

   So apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind someone on a stationary bike and pretend you're angrily chasing them..

   During the summer months I always Wear my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out.

   Brexit could be followed by Grexit, Departugal, Italeave, Czechout, Oustria, Finish, Slovakout, Latervia, Byegium. Only Remania will stay.

   .... Wonder what would happen if Hillary Clinton was forced to wear a shock collar that went off every time she lied?

   Hey England: Every Brexit You Take. I Will Always Love EU. Un Brexit my heart. With Or Without EU. Straight outta Currency. Britain on the Dock of Decay. Since UK Been Gone.

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   Britain be like "April Fools, hahaha..."